We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and whinge?
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine
The Forte Express facility allows automated rapid building of CRUD applications.
2 + 2 = 5 for really large values of 2
A woman without a banana is like a fish without a banana.
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
Slang is language that takes off its pants and pisses on its boots.
The moving finger writes and, having writ, moves on.
I'd love to go out with you but the man on TV told me to stay tuned.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O'Rouke
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners. Rita Mae Brown
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. Albert Einstein
You never hear a man on his deathbed wish he'd spent more time at the office.
An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions. Robert A. Humphrey
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I don't know who wrote this, but whoever she is, she's a damn sexist.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Forgive that you Christian bastard! Ancient Roman taunt.
It isn't the size of the wand, it's the magic it makes.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Four out of five people are more in need of rest than exercise.
Off with the speed of a thousand startled gazelles.
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. Mae West
Lapidary for pleasure and profit.
Buy two and keep one jump ahead.
Laws are made to be broken.
Unparalleled tracking control and pinpoint mousing accuracy.
Play that funky music, white boy.
Too old to rock 'n' roll : too young to die.
User: A programmer who will believe anything you tell her.
It seems like the less a politician amounts to, the more she loves the flag.
Truth can never be told so as to be understood, and not be believed.
You may be recognised soon. Hide.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tampon.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. Niels Bohr
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
I'd love to tune you out.
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. Ernie Kovacs
I souport publik edekasion.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
Behind every succesful man stand a surprised mother-in-law. Hubert Humphrey
It's good to talk about things.
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
If there are aphorisms, there must be meta-aphorisms.
Welcome to Tehran, where the local time is 1215 AD.
Dumb end user.
If God had intended us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
A word about comments - no comment!!!
Virginity can be cured.
Let's go to Lagos for the holidays.
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attornety can delay one even longer.Evelle J. Younger
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Resistance is useless! (if under 1 ohm)
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
Making dolls for pleasure and profit.
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
It is an old ironic habit of humans to run faster when they have lost their way.
Hush hush nobody cares/Christopher Robin was pushed down the stairs.
I must not use my face as a shopping list.
He died when his microwave crashed into the Atlantic ocean.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard.
The warning message was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
The mass of a nation...will more easily fall victim to a big lie than small lie.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
Prisons are built with the stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top . Anon.
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
Mama, just killed a song.
I must keep aiming higher and higher - even though I know how silly it is.
Touche Away! Captain.....Caveman!!
Mad cows and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.
Metaphor mixing for pleasure and profit.
Five Germans are more stupid than one.
No dogs - No golf - No rubbish
Life IS pain...anyone who says differently is selling something. Westley in The Princess Bride Contributed by: Keith Browning
You don't buy beer. You just rent it.
I've been using aluminium pans for longer than I can remember.
Mornington Crescent.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
She is as honest as a list MP.
It is easier to stay out than get out. Mark Twain
Simply the best. Waitotara Meat Company better than all the rest!!
Loafing needs no explanation and is its own excuse.
You start with a Chinaman's hat and end with money.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath.
You've really hurt me now.
Nothing improves with age.
The calliope crashed to the ground.
My sense of humour is just simple. That's because I'm a woman.
Never hit anyone with glasses. Use a baseball bat.
Male Chauvanist pigs motto - Put Womens-Libbers behind bras!
I've been to see a faith healer, but my faith is still broken.
People spontaneously explode, it happens all the time. Natural causes.
Gotta go. The lab called: my brain is ready.
Blessed are the pacemakers, for they will be called the hearts of God.
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.Groucho Marx
Given a choice between sex and train-spotting, I know which one I'd choose.
Talk sense to a fool and she calls you foolish.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Anon.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Celebrating 2000 years of bullshit.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
She's got back trouble...can't get it off the mattress.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Never judge a book by its movie.J. W. Eagan
Condense soup, not books!
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Enjoy your companion's food.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of humanity.
Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.
Rotorua: full of surprises
That's not encouraging.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
I never know how much of what I say is true.
The artiste formerly known as 'You noisy bastard'.
The graveyards are full of indispensable people.
The voters have spoken, the bastards.
Where profit is, loss is hidden nearby.
Cap slips.
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. Pablo Picasso
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating. Alfred Hitchcock
Isn't the world a boring place to be?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
Welcome to the Electrolux Hoover.
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.William James
Every thing possible to be believed is an image of truth.
A conservative is a man who does not think that anything should be done for the first time. Frank Vanderlip
Give him half a bottle of gin and he will evangelise the world.
Home is where the heart is.
The Killer Ducks are coming!
That which is dynamic and random is confusing. That which is static and repetitive is boring. 
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. Bertrand Russell
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. Also the worst of next year.
Let man wear the fell of the lion, woman the fleece of the sheep.
Our Marks, Which art with Spencers, Hallowed be thy foodhall.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. Dick Brandon
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Labour Party Prefers Gays To Fags.
He speaks menglish like a weather forecaster.
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
I am Cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole!
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Your place or mine? - Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
It is believed that he is deliberately evading the police.
Where profit is, Westpak is lurking nearby.
You silly twisted boy.
Hiroshima!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You've all done very well.
Was it OJ, or was it Bart?
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
The crowded trouser is the wrath of God.
Get a loaf. Then, get another loaf.
It's all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory. French management saying
Never value the valueless. The trick is to know how to recognise it.
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Nothing is more horrible than ignorance in action.
Watch your world with us.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.Gloria Borger
It is easy to bear misfortunes of others. Proverb
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
How clever of me!
Why did Kamikaze pilots need helmets?
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. Ashleigh Brilliant
The howling wind of change is whistling through the land.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my tramping boots.
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
And Robert's your mother's brother...
Judge Dredd is the law!
If all is an illusion and nothing exists, then I overpaid for my carpet.
A woman with a woman is like a fish with a fish.
Auckland girl born and bred, strong in heart thick in head.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson 1911-1980
I'd love to go out with you but it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
If the beginning be good, the end must be perfect.
The Adventures of Tiny Lizard.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. Dwight D. Eisenhower
In Biblical times, many who committed adultery were stoned. It's the same today.
Beard Effluent Removal.
Tell the boys I want them to watch Walter Little.
You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. Eric Hoffer
Providing Integrated Software to the Meat Processing Industry for over 10 years.
A suicide note and a dream ticket for the politically correct.
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. Gore Vidal
To be or not to be, that is the Sorgenplatt.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. Samuel Butler
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on her.
Washington D.C. is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
If you drink and drive, then you're a bloody idiot.
Bigger than a breadbox...smaller than an elephant.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde
Alone: In bad company.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
Here's to you Mrs. Davidson, Jesus loves you more than you will know.
The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
A diva who specialises in risque arias is an off-colouratura soprano.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
You're doing good work.
With stupidity the gods themselves struggle in vain. Friedrich von Schiller
What is this STANDPACK minus NAME?
Dwyer by name and Dwyer by nature.
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
The Bible says nothing about dinosaurs or radar.
Road sign or place for a halo (10, 5)
We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us.
Well done.
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Don't get fooled by the comments - they can be very misleading. Debug only code.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
He gives joy to Joy.
Makes Ben Hur look like an epic.
As we can't write internationalisation or internationalization, we write i18n.
We are souls.
When elephants fight, it is the trousers that suffer.
I'd love to go out with you but I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Mother Theresa
How do you trace your family tree? Run for politics!
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Baisse-moi, Monsieur?
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. Lillian Hellman, The Little Foxes
Hello Ducky.
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain 
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. Shira Tehrani
When you are getting kicked from the rear it means you're in front.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
If you can count your money, then you don't have a billion dollars.
Against stupidity, The Gods Themselves contend in vain.
Fools gladly go where angels fear to tread.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! It won't get any better so get used to it.
It's recession when your neighbour loses his job;depression when you lose yours.
The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost!
If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing. Napoleon
Only little people pay taxes. Leona Helmsley
So you think *I'm* the murderer? What do I have to do to convince you that I'm not, be the next victim? - Well that would be a start. Cary Grant & Audrey Hepburn in Charade, 1963
Nobody likes playing against the whinge.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Mounts bicycle, heads off.
No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.
To love another person is to see the face of God.
If God had meant us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Today is be kind to a rat day. Will you be my friend?
You get the best sex from the worst one for you
The good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here! Anon.
I don't like Earl's grey tea bags.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and write down locomotive numbers.
Can't you see this barnyard guessing game is tearing us apart?
The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unsuccessful one a criminal. Erich Fromm
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to someone else-unless it is an enemy.
When a man wants to murder a tiger, it's called sport; when the tiger wants to murder him it's called ferocity. George Bernard Shaw
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Abandon all hope of a useful reply!
Go smash an egg.
My teeth itch.
In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable. Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
I'm too sexy for my tummy, too sexy for my tummy.
Lovely day! Spring in the air!...Why should I?
2 is not equal to 3 - not even for large values of 2.
Never deprive someone of hope -- it may be all they have. Anon.
Nail me to a barn and call me Hector!
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. George Bernard Shaw
A stick in time saves nine.
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children. Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 1983
If I feel a little jittery I can't restrain myself.
A kindness done today is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
The name is Baud. James Baud.
Please give your chin a rest.
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.Abraham Lincoln
If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist? Anon.
If you've got nothing to do, don't do it here.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Who begins too much accomplishes little. German proverb
She was about as much use as a fur lined minge whistle.
Life's Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late. Benjamin Franklin
Gosh is great.
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. Bertrand Russell, Autobiography
Who started singing?
Michelle, ma belle, sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Being human is a sin. Ryan Carlberg
God made the integers; all else is the work of humanity.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. Herbert Prochnow
It ain't heavy, it's my sister.
In spite of all the poets sing, this gold, my dearest, is a useful thing.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain 
The meek shall inherit the earth - but not its mineral rights.
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
Exuberance is Beauty.
If you always do tomorrow's work today, the last day of your life will be free.
It's easy to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
The person who knows how will always have a job. The person who knows why will always be his boss. Diane Ravitch, quoted in "Quotable Business," by Louis E. Boone
Dorothy, I don't think this is Kansas.
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
By the glow of the gin soaked evangelist.
If there is nothing to say then she will say it.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke
Take the bull by the horns.
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward. Jean Paul Richter
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Painting China for pleasure and profit.
Red roses every night.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950
How you get so big, eating food of this kind? Yoda
I write the songs that make the whole world cringe.
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave. Baron Henry Peter Brougham
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...but do it first.
Forethought is easy, repentance hard.
If John F. Kennedy had come to New Zealand, he would have been a maori.
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.Oscar Wilde
Long visits bring short compliments.
Blessed are the list MPs, for they shall talk crap.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Girl Guides: They're appealing to you.
Hurrah for Cod Peace and the plucky little Multi-Coloured Terrorist.
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
It'll never fly!
Yes we have no bwana's, we have no bwana's today.
It's exciting for the veterans and it's a tonic for the troops.
Can I do it just a little bit and wear glasses like my dad?
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but "That's funny..." Isaac Asimov
You've given my brother the hump.
Paul Umms. A man of no seasons.
Did you not hear what I said.
We welcome big Toe and his big bag of dried noggins.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.Anon.
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success. Dr. Joyce Brothers
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in herself than me.
Don't step on my blue suede shoes.
All cats are grey in the dark.
Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Fiction is the truth inside the lie. Stephen King
I'd love to go out with you but I have to floss my cat.
Better to have him inside the tent p*ssing out, than outside p*ssing in.
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
Computer: a device designed to speed and automate errors
Is that a true story?
Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the whinge blows.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
And we'll have khaki coloured bastards by the score.
She who Laughs, Lasts.
Prize prat.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. Robert R. Coveyou
Isn't it amazing, there's never a dodo around when you want one.
The punch has all been drunk and the drunks have all been punched.
What is the sound of one programmer programming?
No, I lost the arm in a road accident.
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
The only thing that is constant is change.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.
Continually strive to improve yourself. Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
She whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
Terminator 2 - a film with depth.
A little distance goes a long way.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them.
Twinings Pure Peppermint - Ingredients: Peppermint.
Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret. Aphra Behn
Is the spec not adequate?
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. Rene Descartes
A fool smokes not the same tobacco that a wise man smokes.
They both have a black box.
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
A pony! But I don't know where it's hiding.
Arfle barfle gloop?
If you don't die from it, it's healthy.
Thinking is the best way to travel. Michael Pinder from Doug & Lesley Moody
Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Ambrose Bierce
Some things are the same in any language.
To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. Joan Klempner
All general statements are false. The Ultimate Law
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. Anon.
A hasty man drinks tea with a fork.
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one. Mother Teresa
What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. Samuel Johnson
If it's good enough for Noddy it's good enough for me.
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing. Georges Danton, to his executioner
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour. Elbert Hubbard
The most valuable antiques are old friends.
Always do what you are afraid to do. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Spice Girls? You mean Pop Tarts.
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. Robert F. Kennedy
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. La Rochefoucauld
Coming together is the beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. Henry Ford
Is is less important than seems to be.
Presidents can con anyone, they even vote for themselves.
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
By their deeds shall you know them, not by their bullshit.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
At least I thought I was dancing, until somebody stepped on my hand.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Derek Bok
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
She had all the allure of an airline salad.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Have hat, will travel.
Some of the dispossessed Irish peasants went to New Zealand to became maoris.
COBOL procedure error 204. Error loading main program.
Aardvarks are not ferocious animals, for aardvark never killed anybody.
Nice guys finish last, but get to sleep in.
Steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.
She was about as much use as a list MP.
There has been a sudden increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
Woman i sas! Lukaot gud long hem!
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!
Leg or no leg, I trust you about as far as I could throw Manhattan.
Have you ever tried conditioner on that beard?
Well, what possible harm could one insane, mutant tentacle do?
Hey Sam, I mean Max.
When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. Voltaire
Virtue is its own reward.
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
One seems to think that hotels collapse in Cairo with some regularity.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. Anon.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. Anon.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Jeremy S. Anderson
Any news from the garage yet Pete?
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Ain't that the truth!
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
Hibernation is a four letter word with eleven letters.
You can't get there from here.
A watched pot never boils.
This aphorism no verb.
De doo doo doo - de daa daa daataa
On this day in 1864 Quentin Furbler invented the folding breadboard.
A hollow voice says `plugh!'
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
You're nice. My mum would like you.
They're very heavy to carry round and you can't take them on a bus.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
That should boost the margarine sales considerably.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Nothing is wasted, nothing is in vain: The seas roll over but the rocks remain.
Intelligence of humanity decreasing. Details uh, when the little hand is on...
That's one small step for man, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm donuts.
I like cream in my buns.
Ite sawe ae potatoe.
Basically New Zealand doesn't have a railway culture.
Love and a cough cannot be hid. George Herbert
I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
Jesus Christ's real name was Solly Rosenbaum.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
Is that what 'yes' means?
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Hire the morally handicapped.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm a hard, unfeeling butch.
If all the Chinese people were laid end to end, 85% of them would drown.
Blessed are the idiots for they keep the system going.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
Whistle while you pork, silence isn't golden.
We all love you Kay Aura.
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.Eddie Cantor
Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. Solomon Short
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
What do you call the useless part at the end of a penis?
They also surf who only stand on waves.
Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so hard to take `Go to hell' for an answer.
Richard Long's hairstyle is terrible. I've got better hair on my pussy.
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organisation.
Caesar adsum iam forte. Crassus sed passus sum.
Four legs good, two legs bad.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar bonk.
Oh, no, not again!
Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. Anon.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them. Robert G. Ingersoll
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I've become the father of breakfast.
Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time. Winston Churchill
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
The madness in this method is not readily apparent.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
The scourge of political correctness.
A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. Old Muslim Proverb
Prime prat.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Thomas Jones
The danger of the past: men became slaves. The future danger: men become robots.
Microsoft Works - The greatest oxymoron of our time!
Knowledge is of two kinds: we know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it. Samuel Johnson
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with `bright'.
I'm a country member.
Get a real job in Hastings.
Shut up and get on with your work.
Happiness is not doing what you want. It's wanting what you do. Leo Tolstoy
Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise.
We often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Asleep east of Eden (2, 3, 4, 2, 3)
People, like nails, lose their effectiveness when they lose direction and begin to bend. Walter Savage Landor
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
One with God is a majority.
Dung can make your flowers grow.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
In war there is no substitute for victory. General Douglas MacArthur
An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
Anything that can be put into a nutshell belongs there.
Have a good day in the Bay.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
I knew Paul Reeves before he was a Maori.
Mexico: so far from God, so close to the United States.
He jumped a chicken.
Your lucky colour has faded.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King.
As the horse counts pillows, so God rewards prayers.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain 1835-1910
How many are half-feminine? (4)
Mairsy doats and dosy doats and little lambsy tivy.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
And good ol' boys drinking rum & coke singing `this'll be the day that I croak'.
When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. Richard Buckminster Fuller
A writer must not shift your point of view.
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.Oscar Wilde
Nothing is said that has not been said before. Terence 185-159 B.C.
Oh, I do like to whinge beside the seaside, I do like to whinge beside the sea.
Can we not dream, if there were no Dave.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was `aardvark'.
All mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
Why am I allergic to re-cycled news paper and three day old camel shit?
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. Don Marquis
Samfala samting oli semak long evri lanwis.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
Hollywood: a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum.
This is uncommon nonsense.
Business Ethics - an oxymoron!
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live. Vittorio Alfieri
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. Horace Walpole
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. Voltaire
After three days, fish and visitors begin to stink.
Buy Big Boy condoms. As used by the virgin Mary.
The adverb always follows the verb.
Yeah right!
Successful tools are used to do something undreamed of by their makers.
You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
All creatures have within them the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. Hubert H. Humphrey
A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not.Henry Fielding
Brain not included.
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
Life's too cheap to drink short wine.
Heeeeyyy you guuyyyyssss!
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
You now know I don't give 100% when I work, because I still have blood to give.
Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it.
Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. George Bernard Shaw
Autobots, transform and roll out!
Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle!
A spec that will not fit on one page of 8.5" x 11" paper cannot be understood.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but seldom a mistake -H. L. Mencken
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Anon.
The lioness never asks the mare how she shall take her prey.
Data, some datum. Darter, some fish (much loved by greens).
A day in the life of big Ralph's trousers. Part I. The preparation.
One planet is all you get.
I wish I were a butterfly - life would be a farce.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney
Today the horse committee will discuss the shape and location of the ears.
When a fellow says, `It ain't the money but the principle', it's the money.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything-a good reason and the real one.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. Claud Cockburn
Being a layman, you can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four.
Ethernet; Something to catch the etherbunny.
We can feed off each other, we can share our endorphins.
Fishing: a stick and a string with a worm at one end, and a fool at the other.
Oh, Be A Fine Girl, Kiss Me Right Now, Smack!
Great things can be reduced to small things, and small things to nothing. Chinese proverb
I listen to the Kim Simpson show. It is truly awful.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
To boldly split infinitives that no man has split before.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. Chinese proverb
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. William Blake
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
I still say the New Zealand Herald is a better paper than The Dominion.
I came to whinge, and whinge I shall. God help you all.
I hate victims who respect their executioners.
She who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
If you believe that discrimination exists, it will. Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. Adolf Hitler
Who is Manny Rayo?
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's trousers.
When travelling, never leave a country hungry.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
PA is not dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself. Galileo
Challenge. Responsibility. Acknowledgement. Pay.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields
You are wise, witty and wonderful, but spend too much time reading this trash.
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
I know, because I bonked that soldier.
In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
Barking dogs seldom bite. Proverb
Unhappiness is best described as the difference between talent and expectation.
She's lovely and deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
To achive great things we must live as though we were never going to die. Luc de Vauvenargues
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. Peter O'Toole, The Ruling Class
Is Ken Mair just another dark Irishman?
Don't stop, never give up, you've gotta carry on 'til you reach the top.
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
Do not adjust your hat.
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.Mathew Browne
Plans are nothing, planning is everything. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Tuku Morgan briefed the Cabinet last week.
It is easier to get a franchise from God than it is from McDonalds.
In the constant confrontation between the rock and the water, the water wins finally, not by strength, but by perseverance. Anon.
Mali snoopy znak je gloopy.
A fool sees not the same wise man that a wise man sees.
Oooh Arrgh, Shiver me timbers!
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
I'm not so good with the advice...
Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
What do Kiri te Kanawa, Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick and Shirley Bassey share?
How can I get you a loan?
It takes less time to do a thing right than explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it isn't quite dead yet.
She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Schindler's List: A moving story about people.
Most of my strength is in my legs.
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. Robespierre
Only the winners decide what were war crimes. Gary Wills
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. John Stuart Mill
She was born under the delusion that all people are created interesting.
Sir Stafford Cripps has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill
What we do not understand, we do not possess. J.W. Goethe
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
So far as I remember, not one word in the Gospels praises intelligence.
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
Are r argh ah !
Where facts are few, experts are many. Donald R. Gannon
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRD.
Things will surely get worse before they get better.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
The English are best. I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.
Money can't buy friends but it can give you a better class of enemy.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
We adore chaos because we love to produce order. M. C. Escher
The trouble with the dictionary is you have to know how the word is spelled before you can look it up to see how it is spelled. Will Cuppy
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
Follow your dreams unless its the one where you're at work with no pants on.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. Niels Bohr
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
It's one of the few books of the 20th century to have made me laugh out loud.
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.Adolf Hitler
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. Jules Renard
When formalities founder, casual tease.
Penny wise, pound foolish.
I thought they were lucky to get nil!
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. Lao-Tsu, The Way of Lao-Tsu
Now that I have it all, can I give some of it back? Anon.
It's a God-awful small affair.
Three things I always forget:
A walrus is only as good as its last hat.
Veni : vidi : whingi
She who is hasty with her feet misses her way.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
England, the mother country.  Aunty Rower, the relative country.
Is it finitched?
Seeing as you are such a good mate, how about $150?
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
She can't sing to save a song.
Now please explain your explanation.
Nix: The Goddess of the underworld.
Be the change you want to see in this world. Gandhi
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. Nicolas Boileau
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
Confession is good for the soul.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Our cheque is in the mail.
No drinks'table I haven't had a cunt all night.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. Alfred Adler
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The benefit of not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are worthless.
Baboomavic!
Blah dee blah dee blah dee blah!
The programmers beer: DB Schema.
The real problem of your leisure is how to keep other people from using it.
There are two types of people -those who come into a room and say,'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' Anon.
He who is not busy being born is busy dying.- Bob Dylan from John Huber
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. The Peter Principle, Dr. Lawrence J. Peter
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Francois Sagan
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
A frog in time doesn't save a thing.
Start a Trend : Bring a Friend
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
He that will not reason is a bigot, He that cannot reason is a fool, He that dares not reason is a slave. William Drummond
The devil will find work for idle hands to do.
Everything may happen. (Omnio fieri possent.-latin.) Seneca, Epistuloe ad Lucilium, Epis. LXX, 9
Of course I'll still respect you in the morning.
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
The Mayor of Hiroshima said so.
You are in a helicopter.
Nappies on a clothesline : internationally recognised signal of distress.
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. James Feibleman
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
A tidy desk is the sign of a sick mind.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The cistern contains: the fountain overflows.
Is Manny Rower the minister of immigration.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Friendship may often grow into love but love never subsides into friendship.
To do is to be. Plato To be is to do. Kant Do be do be do.Sinatra from Bruce Graham
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Keep up the good work.
The Kim Hill show. Crap without those intrusive commercials.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
Go for it! For the next hour you may squeeze your farts out.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow
Read my lips: no new taxes.
Shingle spoken by many foreigners. (6, 7)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
X-rated movies are all alike...all they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Is Green Mail the political wing of Green Peace?
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
By letting go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go!
On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
She was shooting words at a hundred mouths per hour.
Some argue foolishly, that gin alone does not a TV evangelist make.
Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing. Abraham Lincoln
The more opinions you have, the less you see. Wim Wenders
I will never support your bid to become New Zealand's ugliest prime minister.
The howling whinge of change is whistling through the land.
I am really very kind and honest, and if I had any friends they would tell you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
If you ever want anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else.
I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with force.
Don't count your chickens before they are laid.
Life is an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find nothing in it.
Get a wife.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.Phyllis Diller
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
The Eleventh Commandment: Don't give up.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
The future belongs to those who dare. Anon.
Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for updates on the latest whinges.
Oh, that such wickedness could be!
Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the difference. Anonymous
It's only the children of the wealthy who tend to be good-looking.
For best results, burn single layer DVDs at 8x or 12x.
TWAIN: Technology Without An Interesting Name.
Pika Pika Pikachu Pikachu Pikachu Pika Pika Pikachu Pika Pikachu!
Laws were made to be broken. Christopher North
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
She always cared for others. You could tell the others by their hunted look.
Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at. Carlos A. Urbizo
Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
If an item is advertised as `under $50', you can bet it's not $19.95.
Never confuse motion with action.
E-Mail returned to sender....insufficient voltage
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Now that I am here, where am I?
The best thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Xmas presents.
A fool talks not the same crap that a wise man talks.
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
In the words of John Bobbit, I'm unattached at present.
One who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints. Proverb
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Which local leader spends her time trying to look like her photograph?
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already slippery enough.
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
The drop of rain maketh a hole in the stone not by violence but by oft falling.
Eight megabytes Toulouse
Over the fence is out.
Richard The Lion Heart summons his favourite knight.
You scratch me behind my ears, I'll scratch you behind yours.
Don't do it yet.
Stimulate all the areas of your brain, sniff a peppermint NOW!
Out of your depth.  Join Kim Hill who asks the silly questions on your behalf.
Overdrawn? But I still have cheques left!
On this site in 1897, nothing happened.
Do you have to be a dreamer to be on the dream team.
Beware of Jims bearing packages.
Which famous U.S. president said "Chew on that then big bum"?
All for one and one for all.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
Strange that the people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously!
She refuses to eat more quickly. (6)
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Acting is a fart which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
It is extremely easy to do something slightly wrong and create a disaster.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet met.
When force is gone, there's always Mom.
Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. George Bernard Shaw
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the restwilling to let them. Robert Frost
The opossum is a sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
I knew Judith Chalmers before she was brown.
You really are a useless programmer, but enough of this pep talk...
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. Robert Benchley
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a dog to groom.
Passengers: self loading cargo.
Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings.
One, two, miss a few, ninety-nine, a hundred.
One lie is often better than two: `My bus didn't come' `Also, I was sick'
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
It's amazing how difficult it is to get a virgin off your face.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a `y' in it.
You can't change the direction of the whinge, but you can adjust your sails.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
I'm just a girl who can't say n... n... n...
The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking. Albert Einstein, Physics and Reality [1936]
You sexy beast.
Don't whinge for me Argentina.
Endless Loop: see Loop, Endless.
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. Immanuel Kant
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
There's nothing quite like a Lada.
I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. John Locke
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
There is something you ought to know about God. It's green.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
With patience, and help from a worm, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
The apple tree never asks the beech how it shall grow.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. Eric Hoffer
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw her as far as you can.
I like pork in my buns.
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
If one cannot invent a convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Corker.
Goldfish do not bounce.
If the universe is expanding, why is it always so hard to find a parking space?
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual. Nietzsche
What a day it's been! 70 in the shade but I was smart and stayed in the sun.
Help reduce the road toll. Drive on the pavement.
Show me a good loser and I'll show you someone playing squash with the boss.
Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead.
The gift of herpes. Far better to give than to receive.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. Albert Einstein
Who'll come a whinging Matilda with me?
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..
Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything.
Cold: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than aconformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform tothe prevailing standard of nonconformity. Bill Vaughan
I know nothing. Why should I lie?
I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few. Adolph Hitler
For every problem there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong. Henry Louis Mencken
We knocked the bugger off.
Are Friends Electric?
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Thin is in, foam is out.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
Don't say yes until I finish talking.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Oscar Wilde
Concept: Any idea for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
If you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything. Anon.
People Can't Remember Computer Industry Acronyms.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare thyself.
Scary stuff.
She was about as much use as a back pocket in a string vest.
When the chips are down, I'll be around.
Anyone who thinks that the Bible is the word of God has obviously not read it.
All the easy problems have been solved.
Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow. Goethe
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few. Stendhal
Ever seen a stealth bomber?
The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas. Dr. Linus Pauling
Chicken Licken was right.
Why do we kill? We kill for food. And not only food : frequently a drink too.
A perversion to listen intently (5, 2, 4, 4)
We have a full range of models on the floor.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction.
No, no, no, no - or, if I'm honest, yes.
C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British!
Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.
Do you know how difficult it is to fake your own death?
Only one man has pulled it off.
Elvis! God, I'm bored.
Might as well be listening to Genesis.
Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac.
It makes me sick.
If you're going to lie, be creative or we'll get bored.
The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog: it feeds the hand that bites it.
In our business, the customer is queen ducky.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe. Frank Rizzo, former Mayor and Police Chief of Philadelphia
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. Booker T. Washington
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
That would really upset the apple-cart.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
How far do you go?
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
The human differs from lesser primates in the passion for lists of `Ten Best'.
There are three kinds of people in thisworld: Those who make things happen; Those who watch things happen; And those that wonder what happen. Anon.
What a difference a day makes.
Because he's my newt.
This Tuesday's meeting will not be held as usual.
In these aphorisms, man shall be deemed to embrace woman.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
My mum says if I've got one of these, I can get one of those any time I want.
The world began without man, and it will complete itself without him. Claude Levi-Strauss
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony.
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Is the FrockMan Catholic?
In science as in love, too much concentration on technique can often lead to impotence. P. L. Berger
All that you wanted to know about Unix but were afraid to ask.
This aphorism is false.
Beware the naked man who offers you his shirt.
Oh, joy! Oh, raptor!
I can't hear myself now, it's brilliant.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen
do. Olin Miller
Moses, 4 billion years of evolution is too long, couldn't you shorten it?
What's this thing? It's called a MODEM. And what's this button for? Whatever you do, don't touc{{{7bh6xx!{@%%hxbd&$#$% NO CARRIER from Bruce Graham
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Never say yes to an insurance salesman.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Our sol, our sol, our soldiers went to war.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw
If all the girls at St Annes were laid end to end, nobody would be surprised.
This aphorism cannot be politically correct because it was written by a man.
Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood. Augusto Pinochet
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. Voltaire 1694-1778
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. Ron Nesen
Aldous Huxley once said that an intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.....
Boys just want to have fun.
We cannot afford one dissatisfied customer.
The elephant cannot change its trousers.
There's some people you just can't reach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm pi!
Hit any user to continue.
Must dash. My little girl is waiting.
We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified. Aesop
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Celebrating the Future.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Men are born to succeed, not to fail.
He speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
How many roads must a man walk down?
Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening ... when you'd have preferred to talk.D.J. Kaufman 
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
I have seen God, and his name is Winston.
What's the difference between a British cow and an Australian?
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
Get your kicks on Route 66.
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. Robert Anton Wilson
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
We are all winners. You are a winner just to have been born.
Strap me to a beehive and smear my ears with honey!
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Handle people better by using their feelings than by convincing their reason.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Well, if she gets her hands on them, they never will.
She was a woman ahead of her time. By about 8 minutes.
Even when you're born, there's a string attached.
Think w(h)in(ge) w(h)in(ge).
Oh, the impotence, only the aphorisms file to get revenge!
On 1st December, 1997, Ian ate a salad roll (by accident) without flinching.
She was about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit.
Insert baby for refund.
Whenever anyone says, `theoretically', they really mean, `not really'.
Guy Fawkes was the only man to enter Parliament with honest intent.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Somewhere in the world there's somebody better than me....But I haven't met him yet.- Arthur Hobson from CSLP
Quick! Act as if nothing has happened!
There's nothing quite like a Holden.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
They called her Harpic because she was clean round the bend.
Not many people would be stupid enough to do that...but I would!
They called her Bargain because she was 50% off.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Marvellous work.
The quality of an organization can never exceed the quality of the minds that make it up. Harold R. McAlindon
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Benificiary fraud is rife. Some beneficiaries are living off the system.
When you're not looking at it, this aphorism is written in FORTRAN.
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain
From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step. Napoleon
We have no enemies. It's just some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
Even the longest journey begins with a single step. Confucius
A closed mind in a closed body.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
The English never enjoy themselves, except for a noble purpose.
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp.
Reach out and grep someone.
Who's a silly boy then?
She who pays the piper calls the tune.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
You've seen one wise man, you've seen them all.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Thomas Edison
The ant who cried aardvark.
Advert for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Even if you learn to speak correct English, to whom shall you speak it?
FECK ARSE DRINK!
Get a life.
She keeps her Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet.
Anxiety is fear of oneself.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
The Jesus industry is becoming ever more seedy.
Major Strasser has been shot. Round up the usual suspects.
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
Every country has the government it deserves.
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
It is easier to find a rich magistrate than an honest one.
You do not destroy an idea by killing people; you replace it with a better one. Edward Keating
Very well done in deed.
You are lucky your rod never snapped.
There are no problems, only opportunities.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power - Ashleigh Brilliant
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Confound those who have said our remarks before us.
If you don't fill in your timesheet, none of us will get paid next month.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Oh, you're sad!
Well, if I did have a life, I wouldn't enjoy it.
Great events make me quiet and calm; only the trifles irritate my nerves.
Cairo Titty, a fine exotic dancer at a give away price.
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion. Lazarus Long 
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved. Niccolo Machiavelli
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill 
Equal bytes for women.
The Cat and Fiddle is now open.
Talk language: how to use conversation for profit and pleasure.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Do not fear your enemies. The worst they can do is kill you. Do not fear friends. At worst, they may betray you. Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exists because of their silent consent. Bruno Jasienski Yasensky
The programmers comedian: Sign Field.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
It makes you happy.
Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important. Lisa Hoffman
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld
Strap me to an anthill and smear my ears with jam!
You can't help feeling sorry for those IRD people that will lose their jobs.
Because the chain is longer.
Support your right to bare arms!
There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out. Russian proverb
Nothing sucks seeds like a toothless canary.
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
If the moon were made of green cheese, rockets would be shaped like fondu forks.
It's very nice, but it doesn't pay the bills.
Accidents cause History.
I have the Merdus touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.
There's no real need to do housework-after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Your only son, I presume?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
She is guilty who is not at home.
The only rose without throns is friendship.
Hello treacle toes.
Plan for the future, because that's where you will spend the rest of your life.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen
C code. C code run. Run code, run. Run, darnit! Run!
Nice work.
This aphorism program is shrinking at the rate of three aphorisms every year.
They tell you who you are and who you're not allowed to be.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Alex Haley was adopted!
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences.
Is there life on Mars?
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
The Pope wears hand me down hats.
Eternity is a terrible thought, I mean, when's it going to end?
Eternity is in love with the productions of time.
We will win the war because we are Germans.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. Anon. 
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
A riot is at bottom the language of the unheard.
Everything comes if a man will only wait.
It's a great day to sell a Kirby.
The elephant cannot change its mind.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
What's this we hear about you not having an ulcer?
Keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Don't shoot me, I'm only the Hoon.
It's only when we really can't take her that she doesn't go.
If you can still do at 60 what you were doing at 20, you weren't doing much.
Mares rush in where angels fear to tread.
Cheap carpet is only cheap when you buy it.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a hat full of fish.
Hi! I'm Sess!!! (Margreat: ask Ian)
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire. La Rochefoucald
Where the Hell is Womaru?
A good listener is not only popular, but after a while knows something.
In a tree by a river a little tom tit sang Wilogram, tit-Wilogram, tit-Wilogram.
Gin and Christianity, an explosive mixture.
You are as hard as Lord Longford at a strip show!
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
The future is like heaven - everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now. James Baldwin
He heard you the first time!
Welcome to the former Yugoslav Republic of Greek-loving Macedonia.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
The fart's greater than the hole.
All loonies were created equal.
Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
I am the sort of person your parents warned you about.
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
Let them eat cake.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........ToePooh.
Try to not split infinitives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Sweet and sour curried snails and pasta with mushroom and a scoop of chips.
He who laughs last thinks slowest! from Rex Nall
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with,insists on boring future generations. Charles de Montesquieu
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Be your own revolution.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not. George Bernard Shaw
Some of my best friends worship dead Jews.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. Anon.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. Barry LePatner
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
We give nothing so freely as advice. Francois de la Rochefoucauld
We must believe in luck. How else to explain the success of those we dislike?
He calls himself a Roo nunger but he has never nunged a Roo in his life.
Ths phrsm cntns n vwls
A person's a person, no matter how small.
If you can't blind them with science, baffle them with bullshit.
Rugby is a game played by men with odd shaped balls.
One side of her brain is shorter than the other so she thinks round in circles.
The older I get, the better I was.
Three ways to get it done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
What a chum we have in Jesus.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
We never did too much talking anyway.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
It is easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
Chappaquidick: `I'll miss that bridge when I come to it.'
Garbage In - Gospel Out.
Where I come from, there's no such word as asapocha.
Life is too important to be taken seriously. Oscar Wilde
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.President Thomas Jefferson
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not had.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
The toughest thing about success is you've got to keep on being a success.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain
We (some of us, that is) gave blood for our works outing!
Eat my shorts.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. from Sonja Monsen
Erlin Cluck's real name is Helen Clark.
The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there.
Wherever you are, God isn't.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene 5
There is no God. But it does not matter. Man is enough. Edna St. Vincent Milay, Conversation at Midnight
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Nobody's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Afternoon: Part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
My aim is true.
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a pumpkin?
Is a backward poofter a Yag?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Start a Trend : Bonk a Friend
If two agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them does the thinking.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
Let's go to Auckland for the holidays.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buysomething. Jackie Mason
If there's a funeral procession at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
You said that without moving your lips.
Good work.
When I know I've got rhythm, I know I'm going to be dangerous.
Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
So Daniel went and spent the night in the cat house.
I don't have to run faster than the lion. All I need to do is beat you.
Good afternoon. I'm from the Government. I'm here to help you.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Goods that are much on show lose their colour.
Everybody must get stoned.
Truth fears no questions. Anon.
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. Benjamin Disraeli
She didn't even know what a carpenter was.
Ignore the Aunty Rower Meatworkers Union at your peril.
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. Anatole France
Beware of warriors wearing underpants.
It is only the wisest and the stupidest that cannot change. Confucius Analects
How could I dance with another when I saw her standing there?
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. Epictetus
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Sex without love is an empty experience but as they go, it's one of the best.
She was so narrow minded she could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
That's not funny, it's just mildly amusing.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
It takes two to make a single parent.
668: The neighbour of the beast.
Why do they refer to them as maori, when there are two of them.
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. Honore de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage" 1829
People forget how fast you did a job -- but they remember how well you did it. Howard W. Newton
It's the end of the world as we know it.
Know when to stop before you fart.
Good advice is something one gives when too old to set a bad example.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
Everything has to be wrong.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
Laetrile is the pits.
Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
In our business, the customer is king.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
Hat size not numeric or impossibly large. Please try again.
Buy your bibles from Slimy Benny and go straight to Heaven.
Einstein was doubly wrong. God does play dice and sometimes He hides the outcome
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
I'm looking for a better life.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
Klein bottle for sale...enquire within.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
So was the Titanic.
I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........PawPaw.
That indefatigable and unsavoury engine of pollution, the dog.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.Victor Borge
Over the next few years you will definitely change your opinions or keep them!
Of those who say nothing, few are silent. Thomas Neill
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Damn braces: Bless relaxes.
Productivity with performance.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never complain and never explain.
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
She was about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself. Aldous Huxley
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. Anon.
He lives firm in the belief that God loves idiots.
Life is an elephant flavoured albatross.
Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything. Anon.
The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.
All the good ones are taken.
The Artful Todger.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........TiePea.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein
If you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance.
Don't wait for your ship to come in. Swim out to meet it.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
It's easier said than done.
Hottentotenpotentatentantenattentat.
Just because you can't do everything doesn't mean you shouldn't do something.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
If a string has a middle, then it has at least one end.
If there is a way to delay a decision, the good bureaucracy will find it.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?
Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow. Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
Bubble Memory: Derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.
Who was that idiot?
Curiouser and curiouser.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say `Honk if...'.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday in the church hall. Music will follow.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
I don't believe in the afterlife but I am taking along a change of underwear just in case.- Woody Allen
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock.
It's not Camelot, but it's not Auckland, either.
Some people wouldn't recognise subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Don't be a pratt, try Radio Rat.
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
There is no such things as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or bady written. That is all. Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
When in doubt, tell the truth.
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
Only the little people pay taxes.
Strength through joy.
It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once. David Hume
A whore! A whore! My condom for a whore!
We now present the weather forecast in Menglish.
I don't need drugs to make my life tragic.Eddie Vedder
You talk about your woman : I wish you could see mine.
Share your problems with God - He'll be up all night anyway.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Thank you for correcting my spelling!
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. Cicero
And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country. John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address, Jan. 20, 1961
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Wherever you are, God is only a whinge away.
Friday is frog fanciers frolic day. That should be a cause for great cheer.
It is only fair that Margaret Thatcher should have a disease named after her.
Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you.
Would you bet your life this'll work? Only if I can double or quits if it fails.
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
A handful of friends is worth more than a hat full of teeth.
Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work. Bette Davis
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
There is no such thing as a good war or a bad peace.
Money often costs too much. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paul Holmes' real name is Bert Cladbong.
It usually takes a long time to find a shorter way. Anon.
Blessed are the pure of smoke, for they shall see God.
Can you paint with all the colours of the whinge?
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
The quality of a champagne is judged by the noise the cork makes when is popped.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
A good manager is best when people barely know that he exists. Not so good when people obey and acclaim him. Worse when they despise him. Lao-Tzu
Shared memory and license manager (acushare) is not running
When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen. When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears.
How does my having a vasectomy stop my wife becoming pregnant?
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
If your face was a planet, it would be Uranus.
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy. Swift
Don't be a dreamer, try Radio Reamer.
The aborigines in Australia first, the maoris in New Zealand First.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
You should go to bed earlier.
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. Francious de la Rochefoucauld
Walk briskly and carry a damp newspaper.
The man shalt not win the argument he didn't start
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first!!
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.
We might get on like a house on fire, or it might be a bloke!
You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
At last! Cyanide without that dreadful taste!
The Presbyterian mixed rain dancing team will be performing again this weekend.
There is something you ought to know about God. She's black.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.Samuel Butler
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Nothing beats our service.
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
Liberals don't care what you do as long as it's mandatory.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosvelt
That's one small step for man, one diant leap for mankind.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
It isn't a city without chewing gum on the pavements.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Only God can make random selections.
It seemed to me that the church had a very performance orientated god.
Learn to obey before you command. Solon
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Trouser me big Ralph.
Alea iacta est.
People ask for criticism, but they only want praise. Somerset Maugham
Attitudes are more important than facts.
All the good ones are taken.
Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.Lester B. Pearson
Bole Sri Sat Guru Dev Maharaj ki jai!
Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player.
What do you say to a cup of tea? `Good morning, cup of tea!'
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering myreasons for them! Nietzsche
See you next time on The Muppet Show.
When whales fight, it is the greens that suffer.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! from Rex Nall
He was so boring that if his life flashed before his eyes, he wouldn't be in it.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Is it New Zealand First or New Zealand Ferked?
She was an upsidedown girl. Her feet smelled and her nose ran.
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. Will Rogers
When it is not necessary to change, it is necessary not to change.
In great attempts it is glorious even to fail. Vince Lombardi
Every time an apple bruises - New Zealand loses!
I don't know, I've never kippled.
I asked for a dozen bread rolls and you only gave me twelve.
Love of money is the root of all evil.
I knew you'd take pity on homeless lettuces.
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. Chang-tzu
The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds.
Overload - core meltdown sequence initiated.
It is more than redundant.
The quality of mercy is not strnen.
FUNEX? SVFX! FUNEM? SVFM! MNXPPP!
Amazing! It really IS a hoonmobile!
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. Nicholas Murray Butler
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Karl Marx
If two agree on anything, you may be sure that one of them is wrong.
Good news for deaf people. Meatloaf has just released a new album.
Yes, but you have to feel incredibly guilty all the time.
Faith: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Grow up or throw up.
George Orwell was an optimist.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. Anon.
Spin a long time, spin a long time, spin a long lonely, lonely, lonely time.
Lift your dahlias in the autumn.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
The police are not here to create disorder; they're here to preserve disorder. Former Mayor of Chicago Daly
God is a polytheist.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.
Suzi Cato: "I hope you enjoyed going up and down with me this afternoon."
She used to be conceited but now she's absolutely perfect.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. Ashleigh Brilliant
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Helen Clark was having another bad accent day.
You wash my feet, I'll wash yours.
A vacuum is miles better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
Because they tell you what to buy, you do.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue.
Why not? Everybody else does it.
Every time an apple bruises - a little girl waits.
The first three minutes of life are the most dangerous.
Confession time, I'm a trifle dyslexic and I thought I'd subscribed to TitWorld.
A beginning, a middle and an end.
A fool will not give up what she cannot keep to gain what she cannot lose.
There are no facts, only interpretations. Friedrich Nietzsche
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. Anon.
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. Anonymous teacher
I am old enough to be my own father.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
God will forgive me. It's his job. Heinrich Heine
Moses, Let there be light is good, but 4 billion years of evolution drags a bit.
She humped them up to the top of the hill and humped them down again.
A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body. 
Angels we have heard on High tell us to go out and buy.
The eyes of fire, the beard of earth, the smile of dirty Erlin.
If a bus station is a place where a bus stops, what is a work station?
Should my bint have a bonzer bod?
I don't mind where people make love, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.Mrs. Patrick Campbell
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson last.
You'd be surprised what you can live through.
Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
She ain't heavy, she's my brother.
If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking. Anon.
Expect poison from the standing water.
If God had intended us to walk, He would have given us feet.
Keep the country beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Contradictions rule O.K. even when they don't.
Is organised crime a religion?
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Everybody knows good counsel except him, that has need of it. German Proverb
Start slow and taper off.
Creation myths kill.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
Sometimes I simply feel that the world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
Nothing recedes like success.
You use words, but convey no meaning.
She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake.
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
In America, anyone may become president. I guess that's a risk we take.
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. Francis Bacon
When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.
The answer lies in the soil.
The crow wished every thing was black, the owl that every thing was white.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.Wendell Johnson
All computers wait at the same speed.
Der Drache lehrt: Wer hoch steigen will, muss es gegen den Wind tun. Chinesisch Schprichwort
The best wine is the oldest, the best water the newest.
The half's greater than the whole.
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.
Please may I have a slice of dry bread. A crust, if you've got one.
A woman without a man is like a woman without a man.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Well, if I did smoke pot as a teenager, I don't remember doing it.
I find all this money a considerable burden.
Guru MacKenzie. Typing the lines of a program that noone will run; Isn't it fun?
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Maximum Headroom: 2057 millimetres
How can you tell a tester of computer games from a player of computer games?
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Refrigerator: Place for storing food too fresh to throw out until it isn't.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Gravity is a myth, Kim Hill Earth sucks.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
besurprised at how little you have. Ernest Haskins
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
I went to the boxing matches the other night and a hockey game broke out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
God isn't dead, He just couldn't find a parking place.
Excellent day to pass the buck. Fart loudly and blame it on the cat.
Sometimes i sit and think. and sometimes i just sit.David B. Newberry
Put Descartes before De horse.
Old photographers never die. They just go out of focus.
Don't get mad - get even.
Like mother, like daughter.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
A strolling gnome gathers no floss.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Noelie Altito
The first cut is the deepest.
Whom are you? she asked, for she had been to College.
Australian, "Bullfrog, that's a funny name. I'd have called it a Chuzzwuzza."
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
Never fear, Smith is here!
Buy me and stop one.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Hey Forrest! Engage brain before opening mouth.
This aphorism left intentionally blank.
Throughout, the author walks a tightrope between authenticity and decency.
Master easy, servant slack.
I don't want to go to Chelsea.
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone. La Bruyere
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. Maurice Maeterlinck
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. Oscar Wilde
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
She was a graduate of the school of hard knockers.
Celibacy is not heredity.
Where shall I begin, please your Majesty? He asked. Begin at the beginning, the King said, very gravely, and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland
If I smell mouldy, it's only because my singlet didn't dry out.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Are you getting enough?
Many candles can be kindled from one candle without diminishing it. The Midrash
The more a monkey climbs, the more you can see of his behind.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James
Suck me dry and call me dusty.
Two things I can't stand: Racism and Poms.
More power, more freedom, more fun.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject. Charles Maurice de Talleyrand
People do things for their reasons, not for yours.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. Benjamin Franklin
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
I knew I was having a bad day when the Samaritans put me on hold.
What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for anothernuisance. Henry Havelock Ellis
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Vishnu: The great washing machine salesman in the sky.
I wish my life could be like an Abba song.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Downwind of a burning marijuana plantation.
Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
If you don't get all you want, think of all you don't get that you don't want.
The crinimals steal aminals.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde
May you be a spinster all your life! And your children too!
If you don't know what your program should do, don't start writing it.
It's my pleasure.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
The eagle never lost so much time, as when it submitted to learn of the crow.
Daddy, what does `Formatting Drive C:' mean?
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
Cop you later.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Easy peasy simple lemon squeezy!
The pride of the peacock is the glory of Elvis.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. Mark Twain
Does anyone know what day the 'Thursday Trader' is published?
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
What does it mean if it takes you two hours to watch `60 minutes'?
Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film, now eat the pie!
Why don't you look where I'm going?
Acid - better living through chemistry.
Always remember your potential is unlimited, then strive to reach it.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
He has a bigger one than anyone else.
Don't worry. Be happy.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say `no' in any of them.
Her super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
Choose your rut carefully; you'll be in it for the next ten miles.
The aphorisms for adults.
There are three kinds of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.
Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual! from Bruce Graham
A person is just about as big as the things that make her angry.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
And I think to myself, `what a wonderful world'.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do. Dale Carnegie
The world is theirs who have money to go over it.
Copmuters are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso
The weak in courage is strong in cunning.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Droopy drawers is coming to town.
Down with categorical imperatives!
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. H. L. Mencken
I like a man who grins when he fights. Winston Churchill
Flowers need light if they're going to bloom.
My evening visitors, if they cannot see the clock, should find the time in my face. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed are the cheese makers.
Three things I always forget: Names, faces and the third I can't remember.
Talking about a revulsion, yeah, yeah, grunt, snort.
Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom. Robert Frost
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done... Marie Curie
Give Fluffy to me.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Two Mikes do not make a sound system.
If good people were white and bad people were black, what colour would you be?
The man shalt not win the argument he started
So why the round face?
The optimum committee has no members.
I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words. Jo Ramos
I don't hate idiots. In fact I quite like you.
If you're happy, you're successful.
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.
If things do not change, they stay as they are.
Engagement: One step closer to divorce.
Prayers plow not!Praises reap not!Joys laugh not!Sorrows weep not!So What not!
If a fly's life is cheap, then its death should be cheaper.
Well, you might very well think that, but of course I couldn't possibly comment.
The better you are, the lickier you get.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
And while a well fed American rabbits on - a little girl waits.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.Walter Bagehot
If it happens, it must be possible.
Insanity: Continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.
If you fail as a comedian at least nobody laughs.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Life was filled with guns and war and everyone got trampled on the floor.
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Everyone wants to see justice done, to somebody else. Anon.
She had a big appetite - she could eat a whole chocolate fish in one go.
Growing flowers in New Zealand for pleasure and profit.
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
You're all zombies driving metal coffins.
Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
The cruellest lies are often told in silence.
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. Lichty & Wagner
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
SOFTWARE - formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
Schindlers Lifts: A story about moving people.
It had something to do with naked women and breadcrumbs.
You delete batches manually! (Old Serbian joke).
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
If marrying two wives is bigamy, is marrying one wife monotony?
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
well be another profound truth. Niels Bohr
Wives make paydays necessary.
Hi, Mom!
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven wirrten und wimmelten in Waben.
Human beings are most frightening when convinced beyond a doubt they are right.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
A house full of trousers is joy to the Lord.
Two nybbles make a byte.
If you haven't anything to do, don't do it here.
Hello my name is big Julie, How about a cuddle?
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit in the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
I've got my mother's genes and my father's trousers,
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken
The boy stood on the burning deck.
Mother said if I'm not in bed by ten o'clock, come home.
In the land of the blind, the one trousered elephant is a joy to behold.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. `Yes' is the answer.
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want tomeet them. H. L. Mencken
It's...
When the President does something, that means it's not illegal.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct or more uncertain in its success than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince (1532)
The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
It's a hard rain's a gonna fall.
Je ne parle pas perl.
I'd love to turn you in.
Fix it now! I'm off to the gym.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. Will Rogers 
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
Free the Indianapolis 500!
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers. Nikita Khruschev
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task overwhelm you.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
What's the difference between NZ and natural yoghurt? One has a living culture.
A toast to alcohol. The cause, and solution to all our problems.
Programming today is a race between software engineers stirring to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. Anon.
What does it mean if there is no aphorism for you?
A man without a bicycle is like a woman without a fish.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
One day, a lemming will fly.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
If I looked like that I'd want someone else's photo on my driving licence too.
Sin hielo, por favor.
The older a lamb gets, the more sheepish it becomes.
File not found. Do you really care? (Y/N)
Because you look like Dustin Hoffman in drag.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
She was only the morse operator's daughter, but she did it did it did it.
A fanatic is one who can't change her mind and won't change the subject.
To create a little flower is the labour of ages.
Buddy, can you spare a dime?
Impressive work.
He drank four gallons of coffee and next morning was found dead in his wigwam.
Give more than take. Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
Listen to Garry McCormick, and get more dork for your dollar.
Pick your apples like you pick your nose - carefully!
Everything you wanted to know about sccs, but were afraid to ask.
Six months ago I couldn't spell Data. I still can't pronounce it correctly.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. Saint Augustine 
Kirk to Enterprise - beam down Yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Chicago: Where the dead still vote...early and often!
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'????? -Socrates minutes before death
Bathed in shades of mediocrity.
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
No man can think clearly when his cheeks are clenched.
Whatever you do, don't buy a glass chopping board.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world.
I hate quotations.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't.
Sex is an emotion in motion. Mae West
I'm as good as gold. Well, maybe not gold - but I'm certainly as good as silver.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
You tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
He was the first ever self evident
Strength lies not in defense but in attack. Adolf Hitler
Don't vote - the Government will get in anyway.
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.George Bernard Shaw
Loop, Endless: see Endless Loop.
If Soldini had saved him all the remaining competitors would've been on one boat
Your brain becomes a mind when it's fortified with knowledge.
The moving cursor writes and, having writ, blinks on.
It can't have been him, because he doen't make mistakes.
You've done very well.
Big boys DON'T cry.
Procrastination is the thief of time.
Roo nunging, for pleasure and profit.
Listen here you little pip squeak!
Beep beep beep. The time is now ten o'clock, ten past ten at the latest.
Is tandoori fish just a red herring?
Murphy was an optimist.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
To be loved, be lovable. Ovid
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, bought the hat.
The gift of love. Far better to give than to receive.
Life takes its toll. Bring change. Anon.
Surprise is the last refuge of the incontinent.
What does not destroy me, makes me strong. Friedrich Nietzsche
The central problem of politics: Do you paint simplistic pictures that make people act and leave them with too simplistic a view of the world or do you paint baffingly shaded and contingent scenes that leave people paralysed by indecision? Brian Eno
It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail. Gore Vidal
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
One thing about children: they don't pull out pictures of their grandparents.
You can't get anything without working for it.
If you think nothing of the work you do, plenty of people will agree with you.
You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it. Charles Buxton
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Will Durant
Her mind is like a steel trap - full of mice.
There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves. For instance, the step-ladder. J.W. Curran 
Cooks are amazing.How do they get the peas into a pod without making them mushy?
Good questions outrank easy answers. Paul A. Samuelson
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurance Peter
This white horse walked into a bar and asked for a beer with an Eric chaser.
What we imagine is order is merely the prevailing form of chaos. Kerry Thornley, Principia Discordia, 5th edition
It only takes two bullets to kill sometwo.
Everyone complains of his lack of memory, but nobody of his want of judgment. La Rochefoucauld
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
Anybody who doesn't slow down at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
Me, I wasn't working, I was just standing near my terminal to keep warm.
Never start the day until it is finished on paper.
Optimisation hinders evolution.
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice. Bismarck
One of the best things about Napier is big sheep.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Simultaneously a Rotarian and a Catholic.
I read the newspapers avidly. it is my one form of continuous fiction.
Qvid me anxivs svm?
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Drink Canada Dry....well I'll have a go.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. Arthur C. Clarke, Technology and the Future
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it themselves.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Nothing exceeds like excess!
Hello Mrs. Gobstopper.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen 1935-
VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I've never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up next to plenty.
Without silence, there is no music, only noise.
If I am not for myself, who will be?
Add gin to vermouth giving martini.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde
Clever work.
Cap's lips.
Pleasure and profit for pleasure and profit.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. Kathy Norris 
Let's all listen to Frank Zappa and learn some new words.
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
To be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again.
You can email new aphorisms to me at iwh@pacific-ocean.com
You stab my back and I'll stab yours.
Programmer: Red-eyed, mumbling mammal who can converse with inanimate objects.
She'd pass for forty-three in the dusk with the light behind her.
Where man is not, nature is barren.
If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it. Leo Rosten
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father. Anon.
The more things a man has to be ashemed of, the more respectable he is.
The king leopard cannot change its stripes.
AAAAA: Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Neigh, neigh said the Mayor.
If he is not a poofter he should be.
The family that plays together stays together.
That's not a bug, it's a feature.
It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Old Chinese Proverb
Penises have been around longer than dictionaries.
Count Up. The super market for the really weird.
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
On a night like this I deserve to get kissed at least once or twice.
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes/no answer.
If you must smoke, don't smoke Rothman's.
Thank you for your order.
You are a member of Grey Power, Mother Hen, the young girl said.
If the door won't open, get an axe.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is. Ashleigh Brilliant
The hours of folly are measured by the clock but of wisdom no clock can measure.
A dead body revenges not injuries.
Just think of all the ecological damage caused by this aphorisms program.
The world does not pay for what a person knows. But it pays for what a person does with what
Sure, winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
Baby on board something something Bert Ward. Wow this songs writing itself.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When elsewhere, do as they do elsewhere.
Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Man errs so long as he strives. J.W. Goethe
Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet.
Air is water with holes in it.
I'd love to go out with you but the last time I went out, I never came back.
What's brown and sticky?
I'll grant the random access to my heart.
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
He didn't just smash the record - he made it into a CD.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Cunning is the dark sanctuary of incapacity.
Kurt Cobain sings Country.
Good, clean fun is still boring the next day.
Focus 90% of your time on solutions and only 10% of your time on problems. Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
If horse-racing is the sport of kings, is drag-racing the sport of queens?
The epitome of sartorial elegance.
The family that strangles together dangles together.
Horsepower was better when only horses had it.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
I like my coffee like I like my women - strong and black.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
One difference between man and machine is a machine is quiet when well oiled.
Foreigners have Sex, the British have hot water bottles.
Mit Schlagsahnen, bitte.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Don't eat my children. Baa.
I like my coffee like I like my women - big breasted.
Not like that, like that!
It works better if you plug it in.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
She: A sexist pronoun. Try using it instead.
The choice is simple: Deep and meaningful or shallow and meaningless.
Failure to prepare is preparing to fail. Anon.
To be is to be perceived.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. -Plato
Why not use off duty poofters as assistant police officers.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
You'd spend your whole life looking for your Geiger counter.
We are drowning in information, but starved for knowledge. John Naisbilt
I have seen God, and his name is Newt.
What's the story? No story, straight to bed.
Coffee drinkers, what a tangled web we weave!
If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
Evangelists like Joyce Meyers give gin drinking a bad name.
Who knows the secret of the black magic box?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
That's not the way it works.
Run for the hills, the dam is breaking.
The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universeseems to be missing. William J. Broad
Don't use your conscious past. Use your creative imagination to create a past that belongs to your characters. Stella Adler
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish her to listen.
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
While money can't buy happiness, it lets you choose your own form of misery.
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated Hisability. Oscar Wilde
What's the story, Morning Glory?
Never mistake motion for action. Ernest Hemingway
I was on oily Jim's team for a little while. (A.K.).
Boy, that's a big nest!
Life is a gamble at terrible odds - if it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.Andre Gide
I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
You are a complete waste of space.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Surrounded by the voices of strangers.
She spelt like an engineer.
By all means let Jesus into your heart. Just keep him out of your pocket.
Press FORE Q or HIND Q Weight Buttons
He shot, he missed, he must be bloody mad. Charlie George!
He won't get run over while he's wearing that shirt.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Tuesday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life...all those meetings.
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
The barble is not the book of God.
It takes a revolution to make a solution.
It's a drum. A boy's drum.
I want to know all Gods thoughts...all the rest are just details. Albert Einstein
A loving act between two, or more, consenting adults.
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. Casey Stengel
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. Albert Einstein
There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. W. Somerset Maugham
You might have mail
It is imperative that no confusion in terminology exists.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
May many come after me.
Stupid: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
And I'll tell you why.
Hark! I hear the cannon rut! The swine.
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. Anon.
The only rose without thorns and friendship or each week day.
It was twenty years ago today.
In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs. William Osler
When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses. Anon.
To secure peace is to prepare for war. Carl von Clausewitz
Power without responsibility - prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages.
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. Al Capp
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down. Anon.
Can I have some sore butt, oops, I mean sherbet.
I'm in the nude for love.
Close the door on your way out.
Life is what's happening when you're busy making plans. John Lennon
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
The Americas Cup has almost become the Americas Plate.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. Oscar Wilde
If prayer works, why do charities ask for money?
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. Cary Grant
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
6:30am: sure the bar will be open, losts of people fly at that time for a drink.
Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to. Arnold H. Glasgow
The illegal we do at once, the unconstitutional takes a little longer.
Alpha: Greek for 'doesn't work'
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. Bob Wells
False hopes and wasted dreams.
So why the long face?
Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.Karl Marx
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. Paul Valery
Gendarmes are not police - they are soldiers.
Choosing the lesser of two evils, is still choosing evil. Christopher Hampton
Even if youre on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers 1879-1935
Why is it that whenever I see 'F', you see 'K' ?
Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God. Anon.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Pipe cleaner: a toothpick with long underwear.
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
They changed the school's name so they wouldn't keep shouting `Up Lady Antonia!'
Is there enough tokenism on Radio New Zealand?
I'd love to go out with you but I'm already going to a restaurant in Hastings.
I'm really enjoying not talking to you...Let's not talk again REAL soon...
Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Advice would be more acceptable if it didn't always conflict with our plans.
Saints above, for a moment there I thought you said you'd become a Protestant.
I cannot control the direction of the winds, but I can always adjust my sails to reach my destination. Anon.
A patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices the system works.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The woman who mistook herself for a programmer.
That's not right. That's not even wrong.
This mind must remain closed at all times.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results. George Patton
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.
Ask and it shall be given - for example, $4,000,000 for a shonky TV station.
The trivialisation of human sexuality.
There's nothing geeky about being a tramper.
I don't know the key to success, the key to failure is trying to please everyone
Never eat on an empty stomach.
Schwing!
Do what's right. Do it right. Do it right now. Barry Forbes
I bet you say that to all the boys.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand. Putt's Law
Just do it.
Picture of Dorian Gray: starring Sir Cliff Richard.
If you don't control your mind, someone else will. John Allston
Is the society for the advancement of coloured people a green organisation?
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.
To escape criticism - Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Elbert Hubbard
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If debugging is removing errors, then programming is introducing them.
And the horse you rode in on.
Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can eat it later.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
What sort of aphorism is this then?
Visit the moon and go bonkers!
You can't sink a rainbow by words alone.
Have a day.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Try not to have a good time...This is supposed to be educational.
Love makes believers of us all.
Fell out of the family tree.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another. -Luciano de Crescenzo
Another day older and deeper in debt.
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.John Cage
I watch Shortland Street for the ad breaks.
Love many, trust few, learn to paddle your own canoe. Anon.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
As the actress said to the bishop.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. A. H. Weiler
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
You can't fall off the floor.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
Enjoy your food.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No. (from a shorter Shakespeare).
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
It is always the wrong time of month.
I like you, but I wouldn't eat fish with you.
I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better. G. C. Lichtenberg
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!' John Greenleaf Whittier
She died of a brain haemorrhoid.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Obstinate oxen waste their strength.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
My husband cheats on me so much, I don't even know if this is his baby!
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...Anon.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Old Sock. The after shave for the really weird.
It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. Confucius
Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions-They're easier than dumb problems.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. Robert Frost
Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Hardly any sets of a thousand words can be adequately described with pictures.
Who put the pong in Phongarei?
Don't whling that stick at me.
A typical day starts with Helen Clark interviewing herself on morning report.
One of the few women I know that doesn't need shoulder pads.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence. Gary Trudeau
Only 26 miles to Einstein's birthday.
The family that prays together lays together.
Nine And A Half Weeks - A film with gratuitous clothing.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Anon.
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
Blessed are the meek, for they will do smelly farts.
Of two friends, one is always the slave of the other.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Sing if you're glad to be gay.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tarpair.
A pessimist is someone who looks both ways when crossing a one-way street.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Even if I never become the ugliest prime minister I will still be ugly.
Use Berko skin cream. Keep your skin as soft as your head.
Special conditions apply.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Steve's aphorism:
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
On the tap in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs. Eilliam Feather
If you can see the optometrist, you don't need to see the optometrist.
England expects every man to do his duty. Lord Nelson
There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee. Lester J. Pourciau
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
The trouble with life in the fast lane is you get to the end in a big rush.
God just screwed around for five days and then pulled an all-nighter on Friday.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's just not good enough!
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Everything human is pathetic, the secret source of humour is not joy but sorrow.
Watch what you say.
Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow that talent to the dark place where it leads. Erica Jong
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Menglish is the second most crappy language in the world.
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy. Paul Rudnick
While we are postponing, life speeds by. Seneca
I'd love to go out with you but I have to water my plants.
You've obviously never had a bra fitted, sir.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Save energy: be apathetic.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
The vixen provides for herself, but God provides for the lioness.
A celebrity is a person who is known for her well-knownness.
I'm not homosexual, but I've slept with a man who is.
The busy cat has no time for treacle.
The self-assertion seminar was fully booked. I said it didn't matter.
Under the conditions of tyranny, it is far easier to act than think.
The old ones are the best.
German men live by the sweat of their fraus.
Will there be drinking?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
Never go to beds mad, stay up and fight.
If this aphorism didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Life is just a bowl of toenails.
You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. E. Rutherford
I haven't got a carea in the worlda.
By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts! Anon.
Let it be.
I've half a mind to join New Zealand First, but that's all I need.
Auckland: The Lagos of the South Pacific.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
Crude classifications and false generalizations are the curse of organized life. George Bernard Shaw
This computer does not make mistooks.
Guns don't kill people : guns make people interesting.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. George Orwell
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the priviledge. from James T. Hammond
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. Henry David Thoreau
The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever. Herb Caen
When I was young, I never needed anyone.
If one has not given everything, one has given nothing. Georges Guynemer
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
Who are you calling Wood Eye?
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more - Oscar Wilde
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
The system is able to edit the date back beyond the most recent contract date.
Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from one place to another. Tom Robbins from Randy Keck
Corollary Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring
Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.
I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. Mary Wortley Montagu
Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
In the words of Robbie Burns: Cor comie 'or and strangie/tae a wee mickel a mea!
Being bisexual immediately doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
See Spot jump. Hear Fluffy whinge.
When she had nothing left to say she switched over to auto-whinge.
Innovation is hard to schedule.
Pure pop for now people.
Real programmers don't document: Hard to write should be hard to understand.
Always let your conscience be your guide.
How do pretty girls get minks? The same way minks get minks.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken arrives in a different container.
Go for it! For the next hour you may whinge your heart out.
Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds.
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. Napoleon Bonaparte 1769-1821
We all love the Loon on the hill.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
The sum of the intelligence on earth is a constant; the population is growing.
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
Jesus primes my money pump.
If it's broken, fix it.
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde
Nobody really sings in an opera. They just make loud noises.
Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queen's, Staten Island
This tape will self destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim.
Look but do not touch.
You're face to face with the man who sold the world.
Make new friends but keep the old : the new are silver, the old are gold.
A world without Oily Jim is not a complete waste of time.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? Kelvin Throop, III
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Hating people is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat.
Best file compression around: rm -r * = 100% compression
Are r argh !
Most things, except agriculture, can wait. Jawaharlal Nehru
I have no time to think about the lastest topical issues.
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Did I really say that?
Never start a frisbee manoeuvre with anything more than `Watch this!'
Two out of three ain't bad.
To live outside the law you must be honest.
Erlin Cluck is not Donald Duck's mother.  She just sounds like it.
Do you hear the people sing?
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
to discover them. Galileo Galilei
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
I know, because I was that soldier.
He spoke with the slightly absurd accent of a weather forecaster.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious. Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I cannot be bought... but I can be rented. Don O'Shaughnessy
It won't work.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. Martin Luther 
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.
Her handwriting gives an unfair advantage to those who have studied Arabic.
The meteorologist left town because the weather didn't agree with him.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
E Pluribus Modem
To air is human, unfortunately.
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
Every man at 3 years old is half his height.
There's no time like the present.
Noddy bangs chooks.
Three cheers for the grey, white and black.
Ken Oath!
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
No I have not - and especially that one!
David Frost Special slick schmaltzy and ingratiating.
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they cant find them, make them. George Bernard Shaw
Program missing or inaccessible
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty 
Punctuality is the politeness of kings.
There is only one cure for grey hair, the French invented it...the guillotine.
Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy...
No problem is so large it can't be fitted in somewhere.
Collecting stamps for pleasure and profit.
Lady Astor:Mr. Churchill, you're drunk! Winston Churchill:Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet avoided.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Pull off: win, manage successfully.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Always look on the bright side of life.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. no use being a damned fool about it. W.C. Fields
Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he usesa base ten counting system and likes round numbers.Scott Adams
Ingrate: One who bites the hand that feeds, and then complains of indigestion.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. George Bernard Shaw
For some reason, this aphorism reminds everyone of Agatha Christie.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hits the windscreen?
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
I've got a browser in my trouser.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
The busy bee has no time for sorrow.
Many a man owes success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
Welcome to our world.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they work for me.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
A woman without a banana is like a fish without a bicycle.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Gary Larson worked here!
Few women of action have made a graceful exit at the appropriate time.
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Never contradict. Never explain. Never apologise.
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it as it is and why it exists as all.
Is Sue Bradford the leader of the League of Layabouts or Loonies at Large?
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Keep Japan yerrow.
Love is all there is. It makes the world go round.
Whistle while you work.
Never drink whisky without water. Never drink water without whisky.
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication. 
The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on. Joseph Heller, Catch-22
She was about as much use as an intellectually challenged rocking-horse.
Prayers plow not! Praises reap not! Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not! So What!
Why be a man when you can be a success?
It was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
What did the seagull say when it flew into the cliff?
You really are a horrid person.
This is the face of the moon, with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Can you do it?
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. Edward R. Murrow
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
She's the kind of woman for the times that need the kind of woman she is.
Only bastards buy battery eggs.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. Groucho Marx
Is a backward green a Neerg?
The world's as ugly as sin and almost as delightful.
I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice.
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong - Mencken's Metalaw
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
Go up to my bedroom. If I'm not there in half an hour, carry on without me.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Never copy what you can trace.
Dirty Erlin. The poofter's friend.
I suppose a quick duck is out of the question.
You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. Rwandan proverb
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. B.F. Skinner
There is nothing permanent except change. Heraclitus
My aphorisms lacked direction, incisiveness and humour, so I wrote this one.
How do you spell `bastard' ? Well, it starts with L and ends with Y.
Avoid blue food.
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
This aphorism contains two erors.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
The good ones die first.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
Many are called but few are chosen.
I don't know where I'm a-gonna go when the volcano blow.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
Sex is acceptable, but it's not as good as the real thing.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
No man is an island - John Donne
The voters have spoken, the bastards, just like Forrest Gump.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
I have a currant bun.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
McGod. A deity invented and worshipped by man.
Hey! You left me the wrong key!
A good newspaper, I suppose, is a nation talking to itself.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
I'd love to go out with you but there are major world issues to worry about.
The great masses of the people... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. Adolph Hitler
Beware tennis players, for love means nothing to them.
To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad. Oliver Wendell Holmes
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
Kim Hill. She will ask the questions that others wouldn't bother with.
Bill, I think we should call it Virtual Reality.
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey! Details at eleven!
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Smile for the cameraman.
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
Pure invention is but the talent of a liar.
Two hats are better than one. (Old Serbian proverb).
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
I don't have time to distinguish between the unfortunate and the incompetent. General Curtis Le May
The demi-god stands on the hemisphere looking at the half-moon.
A moment's thought can save a lifetime's misery.
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. Ashleigh Brilliant
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. Flannery O'Connor 1925-1964
Living in Flaxmere is very dangerous especially if you're a visiting policeman.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
Bank error in your favour. Collect $200.
Here we go gathering nuts and may.
If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
The protesters carried traditional clubs, spears and softball bats.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
The hardest thing in the world: to accept a little success & leave it that way.
The key to flexibility is indecision.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Why didn't anybody correct his pronunciation?
Some days it is, some days it isn't.
All flesh is grass.
Why should I tidy my desk when the whole world is in a mess?
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
She hadn't a single redeeming vice.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
An expert avoids small errors while sweeping on to grand fallacy.
She's probably over the worst of it by now.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
Two parts of men's brain are faulty: shopping and relationships.
Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
The Te Awanga Brass Band.
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did. James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
A person who trusts no one can't be trusted. Jerome Blattner
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
What can ail thee fat lady at arms, Alone and palely singing.
No hard feelings, especially not on my part anyway.
Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is. Anon.
Everybody has 20/20 hindsight.
That government is best which governs least. Thomas Jefferson
It's worse in the bog.
There's no point in asking : you'll get no reply.
Early smirk.
I've got poofter genes in my poofter jeans.
Literature, strewn with the wreckage of men who minded the opinions of others.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^-,VbKx   NO CARRIER
I see no joy, I see only sorrow. I see no hope of a bright new tomorrow.
A friend suffering from intestinal problems had an operation and now has a ;
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Kay Aura. A good friend to all of us.
It is better to have loved and lost - much better.
Tele-evangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
You can always tell a Swede...but you can't tell her much.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming like his passengers.
Do not adjust your set.
Consultant: He knows forty-nine ways to make love but doesn't know any women.
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. Nietzsche
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion.
Gas is cheaper than electricity, until you begin to use it!
One thought fills immensity.
Peter is sick today with a 'horrible stomach' - but he's also sick!
A lie would make no sense, unless the truth were felt to be dangerous.
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right. Arthur Schopenhauer
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King Jr. 1929-1968
Don't fear the Reaper.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.
Help the lonely. Support different species marriage.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
The older a woman gets, the farther she had to walk to school as a boy.
Batteries not included.
Where do you stop?
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Anon.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
Cold: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
Amazing work.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
W.S. Babcock Nears its Centennial.
I don't like money, actually, but it quietens my nerves.
All our customer service representatives are currently on a call.
They're only trying to make ends meet in a world that doesn't care.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings! Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?
All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. George Orwell, Animal Farm
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
While most peoples' opinions change, conviction of their correctness never does.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Gore Vidal
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. Anon.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
He was a good man, in the worst sense of the term.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Afternoon very favourable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Usability is like oxygen -- you never notice it until it is missing... Anon.
I cried listening to Slimy Benny.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may
I love the sound of breaking glass, especially when I'm lonely.
I pledge allegiance to Forrest Gump.
In future, please refer to Guy Chapman as Person Personperson. Thank you.
He who gets up early gets lucky twice.
We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
Tough job, but someone's got to do it.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for the infomercials.
Blood will flow and drink will spill.
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies. Arthur Calwell
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
In any formula, constants are to be treated as variables.
New Zealand Thirst. A really wild party.
Is the Pope Jewish?
Hear affirmative action at work.  Listen to Kim Hill.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
By the time we've made it, we've had it. Malcolm Forbes
Literature is more about sex than children, but life is the other way round.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universeis that it has never tried to contact us. Calvin and Hobbes Bill Watterson
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Even the best of IF's have to END-IF sometime.
Never let your willpower get the best of you.
If all the bolts in the Eiffel Tower were laid end to end, it would fall down.
It really doesn't matter which language you use - they're both very good.
That's a very nice thing for a surrogate brother to say.
If it don't fit, don't force it.
A fool will learn nothing from a wise man, but a wise man will learn much from a fool. Confucius
If opportunity doesn't knock, buy a door.
Never ask him a question, unless you want the whole answer.
When the music's over, turn out the lights.
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
Too much is never enough!
That's funnier in Serbian!
Quantity breeds quality.
No man is ever old enough to know better.
Always be ready to speak your mind, and a base man will avoid you.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
I can resist anything but temptation.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I am a deeply superficial person. Andy Warhol 1928-1987
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Never, never, never, never give up.
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
Never argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Word Perfect - Margreat's oxymoron.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain 
Look out! Behind you!
Clones are people two.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
The point of good writing is knowing when to stop.
A year ago, the web was almost silent, but that's not true any more.
What is a true gift? One for which nothing is expected in return. Chinese proverb
Nondeterminism means never having to say you're wrong.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not sex, it's rage.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, manage.
The second word makes the quarrel.
The nuclear industry is noted for talking bollocks, and other amazing phenomena.
It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Somebody's boring me...I think it's me.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
You always find something in the last place you look.
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
Guns don't kill people : people kill people.
A man with a briefcase can steal more money than any man with a gun.Anon.
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid. Heinrich Heine 
Every rose has its thorn.
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
The first bug to hit a clean windscreen lands directly in front of your eyes.
If speed kills, how come Gonzales is still alive?
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. Oliver Wendell Holmes 1841-1935
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.Arthur C. Clarke, Rama. Clarke's Third Law
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after her - that's where the money is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
With the only mousing surface designed to enhance the performance of your mouse.
Madness is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
He had the slightly puzzled look of a list programmer.
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.Eugene McCarthy
She was poor but she was honest.
Insufficient memory at this time.
Access denied--nah nah na nah na na!
It isn't the coughin' that carries you off but the coffin they carry you off in.
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus
But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying.
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Any problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Buy a Pentium 200 so you can reboot faster.
OK, guys, coffee break over, back on your heads.
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.Gustave Flaubert
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away--and barefoot. Sarah Jackson
Ruby, Don't take your love to town.
In the land of shampoo, realpoo is King.
Back to schooldays.
Well begun is half done.
The songs you sing are meaningless.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.Woody Allen
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. Voltaire 1694-1778
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Same ship, different funnel.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
2,000 metres above stress level.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS backwards!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking aboutthem. Dame Rose Macaulay
Superiority is recessive.
It is hard to be brave, when you're only a Very Small Animal. Piglet, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
When a thing has been said, and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. Anatole France
As the Lone Ranger said on reaching Canada, `Onto Toronto pronto, Tonto!'
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
I'd love to go out with you but it wouldn't be fair to other Beautiful People.
Indecision is the key to flexibility. from Terry Beck
When with your girlfriend you will always have gas.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Man has eased his burden by lifting it to his head, but does he have a headache!
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
A man needs a maid.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as after.
A fool and her money are soon parted.
You're foul, immoral and perverted. Ever considered a career in the church?
Know when to stop before you start.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The passive voice should never be used.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Old professors never die. They simply lose their faculties.
Don't forget young Jan Palak : he burnt a torch against the Warsaw Pact.
You can't drink a rainbow.
An eye for an eye.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
No man is a dunny - John Island.
If you think you're wrong, you're right.
Once a king, always a king.
Why don't we get our photo taken using someone else's face. (Erlin Cluck).
BLISS is ignorance.
I'd love to go out with you but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood. Louise Beal
The world will only improve when the power of love supersedes the love of power.
For good times, call 0800 BAD100 & ask for Girlie. She is waiting for your call.
Girls just want to have fun.
See how they run.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. George Santayana (1863-1952)
Press any key...no,no,no,no, Not that one!
With acu/cobol85, anything is possible.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge-he only gargled.
There is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous. Napoleon I
Menglish, the language of a native New Zealander.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
Bright as Alaska in December.
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
To boldly fob, where no man has fobbed before.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
Man learns little from success, but much from failure.
Why? Is your nose bigger?
Eric.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
I cannot afford to waste my time making money. Jean Louis Agassiz 
If she's not good enough for her brother, she's not good enough for you.
I'd love to go out with you but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
Lagos: The Auckland of West Africa.
There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense. C. Truesdell, "Six Lectures on Modern Natural Philosophy"
Never count your chickens before they are laid.
Turoa for fun and freedom.
Swing low, sweet chario - SPLAT! - t, coming for to carry me home.
Hakuna Matata.
John Logie Baird is watching television in hell.
And the doctor said `It's not unusual'.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. H. L. Mencken
The will to win is nothing - everyone has the will to win. The will to prepare to win is what counts. Bobby Knight
Mine is the last voice that you will ever hear. Don't be alarmed.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
If a man won an argument, it was just in his head
Shut up.
Too much biscuit and not enough wine.
If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world. Blaise Pascal
Lysistrata had a good idea.
The stallion became a gelding, and has now become a mayor.
Love is sentimental measles.
The more you know, the less you need to show. Anonymous
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
You are here: X Anon.
That's very good work.
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Off we go with 3 minutes commercial free music...
That'd be the butt.
He who does not hope to win has already lost. Anon.
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty good. Woody Allen
Absolutely Positively Wellington
Nothing recedes like recess.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I love my Honda Civic.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.Charles Baudelaire
It takes more than ugly pills to make a great leader.
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
Well done is better than well said. Benjamin Franklin
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. Burt Bacharach
This is garet! They spelt her name correctly!
A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. Leo C. Rosten
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Don't forget to keep your drive's firmware up-to-date.
The moving furgler bonks and, having bonked, moves on.
A good rest is half the work. Yugoslav Proverb
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the residue.
Last week I couldn't even spel manijer, but this week I are one!
English Bislama French German Hindi Kiswahili Italian Latin Serbian Spanish
The cut worm forgives the plow.
always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. Albert Szent-Gyorgi
Those that can, do. Those who can't, don't. Anon.
If someone says she will do something `without fail', she won't do it.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
I was like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. Isaac Newton
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
God help those who do not help themselves. Wilson Mizner
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
What are you going to do with the needle?
Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. Frank Zappa
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard
Did you know...that no-one ever reads these things?
With acu/cobol85, anything can happen.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.
Notice how all the letters of the word `database' are typed with the left hand?
Old sins cast long shadows.
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Just half a clove of garlic a day will help prevent bowel cancer.
He bugs us wherever he is, because he is bald!
Today's sound today.
He was a known poofter user.
All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion. Leo Tolstoy, opening line of Anna Karenina
As you get old it gets floppy and lifeless.
It's only words . . . unless they're true. David Mamet 
Let us all sign up for the 40 hour whinge.
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
Haste is the sister of repentance.
The best exercise for the heart is to lean over backwards for somebody else.
My name's Xxxx Xxxxxxx - people call me Forrest Gump.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
Z - the only letter not used at the start of an aphorism yet.
It's better than bottling it up inside.
When you go to buy don't show your silver.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. Samuel Palmer 1805-80
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace not immune to bullets.
Correct me if I'm wrong, hasn't the fine line between sanity & madness got finer
Well done. Good work.
It had, I was told, a big grunter.
Get a hat.
Tiresome, complaining, a praiser of past times.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Notre vieux guillaume est le meilleur du monde.
Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much. John Wayne
Whatever advice you give, be brief. Horace
We are not lovers, we are not romantics, we are here to serve you.
Curiosity mangled the cat.
Where there is human life there is no Justice.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings or the thin lady whinges.
Don't make me a martyr, give me some darter.
Feedback is the breakfast of champions.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
She who sneezes between the onion and the peel picks up its stink.
Eat SHIT! -- ten billion flies can't be wrong. Quoted from a USENET argument about the popularity of Microsoft products
An optimist is a person who takes action, who moves out ahead of the crowd.
I always meant to become a procrastinator.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
Is Srdjan a gloop?
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Show me a caring capitalist and I'll show you a vegetarian wolf.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
I knew Paul Holmes before he wasn't an interviewer.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
When you are on your own, you think a lot, and I don't like to think a lot.
You do not grow old, you become old when you cease to grow.
An idiot can face a crisis - it's this day-to-day living that wears you out.
I've got two bananas today, because I'm going to the gym and I need the energy.
If McDonalds took credit cards, I wouldn't ever need cash again.
The past is a foreign country and Lovejoy doesn't live there any more.
Document a bug and it becomes a feature.
Everything you know is wrong!
Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself. Alfred Sheinwold
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Timeout waiting for reply from acushare
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends - tell me where to get wax.
Bless you.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
So she left the Alliance to form the watasilimu party by herself.
The seminar on time travel will be two weeks ago.
Who knows the secret of the black magic whinger?
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen
A room temperature IQ.
Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw mud, the other stars.
The sooner you make your first five thousand mistakes the sooner you will be able to correct them. Anon.
I want all of the power and none of the responsibility.
Do what you can with what you have where you are. Theodore Roosevelt
One thing about big women: they're warm in the winter and shady in the summer.
Hasselblad camera for sale. Nearly new. One owner. As is, where is.
OH HOLD!!
Sex has no calories.
If travel is searching, and home what's been found, then I'm going hunting.
Hero, hetro, list MP; it's all rock and roll to me.
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
Can't recover, good bye!
Sixty minutes. Rat shit surrounded by ratchets.
The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. Sir Richard F. Burton
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Where is the manual? Click click, tap tap tap, type, clack tap click click, tap.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
She was about as much use as a backward barracuda.
I listen to the Marge Hill show. It is not very pleasant.
Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. Andr Gide
Not knowing when dawn will come I open every door.
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
Hello, I must be going. Groucho Marx
The Lord makes 'em and the Devil pairs 'em.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. Kierkegaard
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money. Kin Hubbard
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
For a good time, call 0900 45085. Children, ask your parents first.
Semper ubi sub ubi
I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there. Herb Caen
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find her and stop her.
There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn. Chinese Proverb contributed by: Nader Shureih
Garlic every day keeps everyone away.
If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking? from Carl Saathoff
Take everything in your stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong! Wolfgang Pauli
It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. Herman Melville
The views expressed in these aphorisms are bloody good ones.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
What we need, gentlemen, is a completely brand new idea that has been thoroughly tested. New Yorker Cartoon
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
May Elle Macpherson eat your only copy of the manual!
Skiers say skiing is a matter of life and death but it's much more important.
On the continent people have good food; in England people have good manners.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Christmas cactus worship for pleasure and profit.
Who's more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him? -Obi Wan, Star Wars
Vote anarchist.
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth. Adolf Hitler
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
Half of what I say is meaningless.
Careless listening costs valves.
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
What did posterity ever do for me?
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. Robert Orben
I'd love to go out with you but I'm converting from Julian to Gregorian.
Here is another trouser load of teenager to cheer you up.
Anybody can start something. John A. Shedd
Arbeit macht frei.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I would go to the end of the world for you. - Yes, but would you stay there?
Eating, sleeping, screwing, spewing, defecating, ultimately passing away time.
I disapprove of what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be jollier, ho ferking ho!
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
If you are going to make a generalisation, then make it really big.
Legendary work.
Expand your attention span with TM, & concentrate longer on what you don't enjoy
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones
Mary Rosenbaum, mother of Solly.
Ubi fibes ibi lux et robur.
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Dogs good.  Cats bad.
Don't be ridiculous! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist
Martyrdom is the only way in which one can become famous without ability.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. Marshall McLuhan
A witty saying proves nothing.
The highest compliment one can be paid by another human being is to be told : 'Because of what you are, you are essential to my happiness'. Nathaniel Branden
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg
Sod this for a lark, I'm going on a crusade.
You don't know what you don't know, and you don't know you don't know it.
It is good and glorious to die for one's country.
New Zealand Post charges 40c for letters - that's 1c delivery, 39c storage.
The healthy don't torture others-mostly it's the tortured who become torturers.
The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs.
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope. Arnold Glasow
I strive to emulate Clive, a legend in his own lunchtime.
Life is a shit sandwich & everyday you take another bite. Anon.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with her.
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. Werner Heisenberg
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
I was born not knowing and have only had a little time to change that here and there. Richard Feynman
Bring out number, weight and measure in a year of dearth.
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. Mother Teresa
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books. Samuel Butler 
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.Leo Tolstoy
You don't write. You don't call. You don't even fax.
Listen to the fool's reproach! It is a kingly title!
Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Wonder is the beginning of wisdom. Anonymous (Greek Proverb)
The big thieves hang the little ones.Czech proverb
Nobody misses a slice off a cut loaf.
If you stand upright, do not worry if your shadow is crooked.
If you judge someone, you have no time to love them.Mother Teresa
What sort of change is this then?
On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to wolf with the red roses?
People wrapped up in themselves make very small packages.
If there are two ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
This can't be heaven - I recognise it.
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.Cato the Elder 234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato
Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day. Anon.
I could lend her one.
Ability is of little account without opportunity. Napoleon Bonaparte
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You can never be too rich - or too thin.
Auckland still lives. God must be dead.
Time takes no prisoners.
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. Woodrow Wilson
They are able because they think they are able. Vergil
In America you're never stuck for a friend. 3 weeks is a meaningful relationship
If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces.
Any generation that didn't have Al Jolson in it can't be all bad.
A witty saying proves nothing. Voltaire
Has Auntie Rower been out in the sun too long?
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Al Capone
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.
Pick your apples like you pick your friends - carefully!
I do have sweeping powers. And the broom that goes with them.
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. David Lloyd George
She has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Yes, bwana.
Never leave the table hungry.
Jenny Morris is to music what Newin Chidchob is to bat sexing.
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. Benjamin Franklin 
In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be. Hubert H. Humphrey 1911-78
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it.
Talkers are no good doers.
That's why I keep falling over and whacking the side of my head.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Let us all meet at the stone age communication centre.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Monkey see, monkey do.
Ratz
I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy.
Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. Wernher von Braun
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
If God had intended us to smoke, He would have set us on fire.
Ask your local Jesus franchise for further details.
When you kill time, you murder success.
Out of the frying pan into the fire.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB by mistake.
This cat is an over-achiever. She has ten lives.
The Readers Digest Sock Research Institute does not lie.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
A father is more pleased to have his child look like him than act like him.
Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. W. B. Yeats
When any mechanical contrivance fails it will do so at the worst possible time.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
She never wrote it down, but she said it often.
It only takes one bullet to kill someone.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies reject the proposal.
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
A week is a long time in politics, and at work.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity Prayer 1934
Fats Loves Madelyn.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. Gore Vidal
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex.
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. Franklin P. Adams
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labor of thinking. Anon.
I whinge, therefore I am.
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. Clive Barnes
So that's why you called your company Microsoft!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
Please take note:
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near. Samuel Hoffenstein
Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing.
Ah, well, then, I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. 
She is now rising from affluence to poverty.
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society. David Hull
Learning is finding out what you already know. Richard Bach
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Veni : vidi : vici
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
Ah reckon.
Death is nature's way of recycling human beings.
In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.
Television: chewing gum for the eyes.Frank Lloyd Wright 1869-1959
Zang!
The earth laughs in flowers. E.E. Cummings
God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time. Robin Williams
What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. Burton Rascoe
I live by the river.
Everyone considered him the Coward of the County.
The little I know I owe to my ignorance. Sacha Guitry 
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
BE ALERT! (The world needs more lerts...)
Nuclear war...may not be desirable.
Why do those people who say `it goes without saying' never go without saying it?
Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.W. R. Inge
The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philisophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money. Anon.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The short answer is `I don't know'. The long answer is also `I don't know'.
There were four only children in my family.
Expense Accounts: Corporate food stamps.
The lion never asks the horse how he shall take his prey.
She changed a win-win situation into an on-going lose-lose situation.
Total abstinence is easier to me than perfect moderation.
I am not in love, but I'm open to persuasion.
You'll see it when you believe it. Anon.
Well done is better than well said.
Vincent wishes all his readers a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Ear.
The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Marie Curie
When a man points finger at someone else, he should remember that three of his fingers are pointing at himself. Anon.
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?
Criminal Lawyer: a tautology.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Albert Einstein
Economists tell you tomorrow why what they said yesterday didn't happen today.
The more things change, the more they are the same.
640 K should be enough for anybody - Bill Gates 1981
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Albert Einstein
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Keep sneezing - you need all the blessings you can get.
True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. Charles Caleb Colton
Solly Saves.
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard
Suppose they gave a war and no-one came.
The answer is blowing in the whinge.
Second place is for the first loser.
Quocunque jeceris stabit.
Jenny Shipley: isn't she a sex kitten?
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to whinge.
I'll come up and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me. Tallulah Bankhead
Several excuses are less convincing than one.
Good teaching is one-forth preparation and three-fourths theater. Gail Godwin
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. Confucius, Analects
I'm not a poof and some of my best friends clean toilets.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Nothing astonishes so much as common sense and plain dealing.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one graveyard to another. Anon.
Brilliant work.
The next meeting of the Moa protection society has been postponed.
It is as Irish as a bomb on a bus.
I'd love to go out with you but my favourite commercial is on TV.
Is `Tau Henare' a translation of `Christopher Robin' ?
The end of the world will occur at 3pm this Friday, with symposium to follow.
With love and patience, nothing is impossible. Daisaku Ikeda
Strike 3! You are out.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out OK.
If human minds were simple enough to understand, we'd be so simple we couldn't.
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde 
People who live in mansions deserve to pay more than people who live in caves.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
So little time, so little to do.
Jenny Morris's real name is Rumple Stiltskin, and doesn't she know it.
It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. Mark Twain Samuel Clemens
A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights. Napoleon
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it. Jimmy Connors
There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe. Albert Einstein
There are not enough windows in a day.
The grass is greener on the other side-but that's because they use more manure.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
On the whole human beings want to be good, but not to good and not quite all the time. George Orwell
Bar steward.
Gary Larson's jokes are all recyclable.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
Absence of proof is not proof of absence.Michael Crichton
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Wir verstehen, aber nur zur Mund.
She who begins many things, finishes but few.
It is believed he got his recipe for the bomb from the public library.
The man who mistook his wife for a hat.
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
The man who cries cries.
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is set out against the sky.
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Many are cold but few are frozen.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
A man who makes trouble for others is also making trouble for himself. Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart.
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.
Red lorry, yellow lorry,
Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean she knows what it is.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interestedand the frog dies of it. E.B. White
Prayers plow not! Praises reap not! Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not!
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit. Felelon
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
New life : New heart : New Zealand
My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it, so I'm going to move to New York.Groucho Marx 1890-1977
It has a certain `je ne sais quoi', but I don't know what it is.
Never fear shadows. They simply mean that there's a light somewhere nearby. Ruth E. Renkei
Computers aren't intelligent. They only think they are.
There is no warranty, expressed or implied, in this aphorism program.
How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you're on. Anon.
If ifs and ans were pots and pans, there'd be no need of tinkers.
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. H. L. Mencken on Shakespeare
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. Mother Teresa
Blessed are those who are persecuted, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Video killed the radio star.
The Crown is full of it!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Complete equality means universal irresponsibility. T. S. Elliot
Happy idiot day bisset.
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. Christopher Morley
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Don't it make my brown eyes blue?
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment of it.
I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting on a friend.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Those who forget their past are condemned to repeat it.
Man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Bashful Doc Dopey Grumpy Happy Sleepy Sneezy.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
There are no answers, only cross references.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The more law and order is made prominent, the more thieves there will be.
Bill Stickers is innocent.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
I was born with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
A pint of clear water weights a pound and a quarter.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Nathaniel Borenstein 
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
Nothing improves with age.
Carthorse really is an anagram of orchestra.
Error reading FAT record: Try the skinny one? (Y/N)
Si quis nunc loquitur, nihil habebit.
A cynic is a person who knows the prize of everything and the value of nothing - Oscar Wilde
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
You can have it any colour you like, so long as it's black.
The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.David Brinkley
Kim Hill. If there is something stupid to say she will say it.
Blessed are the lawmakers, for they will be called sons of bitches.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
It's the first time we've been there since we left.
Don't be a loon, try Radio Hoon.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein
Bureaucrat: A politician who has tenure.
By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to make people believe that heaven is hell -- and hell heaven. The greater the lie, the more readily it will be believed. Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf
A good listener without a but is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
Far queue.
One for the money, two for the show.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
You enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind, it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate and quickly. Lazarus Long
As the air to a fish or the sea to a camel, so is contempt to the contemptible.
Don't you know that it's different for girls.
Free love: free guilt, free std's, free pregnancies, etc
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
We run a pretty tight ship here.
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Phongarei, sounds as it is spelt.
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
Solutions for a small planet.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Mettez cela dans votre poche et votre mouchoir dessus.
I didn't think; I experimented. Wilhelm Roentgen 
Hexadecimal: Number system favoured by one legged males.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Je veux qu'on rie, je veux qu'on danse, je veux qu'on s'amuse comme des fous.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
Like father, like son.
This is a case of the blind leading the not so well sighted.
Don't it make my brown eye blue?
No matter how great your triumphs, a billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: O Lord,make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it. Voltaire
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and fart loudly?
Life exists in the universe because the carbon atom has exceptional properties.
Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's? Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
The management are not responsible for the views expressed in these aphorisms.
Something for the weekend, sir?
New systems generate new problems.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. Michael Arlen
Every day is a winding road.
Many are called but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
If you enjoy playing with Bananas in Pyjamas then this is the video for you.
It is easier for a camel to piss through the eye of a needle.
I'm not a comedian, but sometimes I say funny things.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
What an adventure it would be to die.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Row Toe Rue Ah!
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
C'est la vie, or as the French say, that's life!
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. W. Somerset Maugham
On the other hand, suppose they gave a war and everybody came.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse, it's Eric.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest. Tom Stoppard
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight solutions.
Today is find something furry in the sugar day. Enjoy.
Do it only with the best.
Before you continue criticising it, may I mention that this was in fact my idea.
Just a moment, I'll get out the world's smallest violin.
Saint - A dead sinner revised and edited.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
The best wine is the oldest, the best cat used to be.
As a computer I find your faith in technology amusing.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with her legs.
If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.
She took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Don't tell me that I didn't warn you.
The site file (UWSITE.DAT) has at least one silly name in it.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
We won't need reservations.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. Dwight D.Eisenhower
Bringing Common Sense to Computing.
There are no problems, only fish.
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate!
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Kim Hill. New Zealand's reason for despair.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's aphorism.
Take care, because I care.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
The camel never sees its hump: that of its brother is always before its eyes.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
Universe: The problem.
Where do you want to go today?
Harry Historyburger.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my hair.
If odds are a million to one against something occurring, its chances are 50-50.
What's the Lord done for you lately?
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
D'oh!
The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.
I am not a poser when I go skiing.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The world cares very little about what a man or woman know; it is what the man or woman is able to do that counts. Booker T. Washington
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A stitch in time saves nine.
I read it and it was really boring!
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.Mark Twain
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
So many books...So little time. Anon.
I don't have to take this abuse from you.
This aphorism program out of order.
Incredible work.
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Physics is becoming so unbelievably complex that it is taking longer and longer to train a physicist. It is taking so long, in fact, to train a physicist to the place where he understands the nature of physical problems that he is already too old to solve them. Eugene Wigner 
Whinge Lady whinge. Whinge beside my big brass bed.
The operation was a success but the patient died.
When the church fails, God must intervene.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
A wise man's question contains half the answer. Solomon Ibn Gabirol
Who started whinging?
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made. Anon.
Auckland: You either like it, or you were not born there.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Our soldiers went to war with pistols at their side.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Albert Einstein
You don't know whether you're Arthur or Martha.
Where do you want to go, toady?
She who fears nothing has nothing to fear.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
She was a good woman, in the worst sense of the term.
What does a sadist do? Beats me!
Why eat hamburgers when steak costs the same?
Strawberry yoghurty, raspberry yoghurty...
J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 1945
Oily Jim doesn't have to walk on water.  He floats.
It's not bad for a priest in a small parish.
Life on Earth is expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.
Keep grandma off the streets - legalise bingo.
Three hundred passengers are stranded on both sides of the Tasman.
A hollow tooth aches.
Q: How many Surrealists to change a lightbulb? A: Fish.
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway. Anon.
If you want me to spend more time in the kitchen, keep more beer in the fridge.
Nasic?
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Anon.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain 1835-1910
She was only the grocer's daughter but she taught Sir Geoffrey Howe.
Winnie the Peters, a bore of very little brain.
This message cannot be repeated. I repeat, this message cannot be repeated.
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. Johann Sebastian Bach 
Travel important today; Inland Revenue staff arrive tomorrow.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
The more often I have a good attitude, the more often I have a good day.
Only women bleed.
Waltzing Ma~, Waltzing Ma~
A whinge in times saves 9.
Winston First, the party of Laura Norder.
I see red.
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it ain't news.
They called her the chair but she sounded more like a dish washer to me.
Spring, an experience in immortality.
People don't change their careers; they're engulfed by them.
Oily Jim always presses the Up button when he wants to go down.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
Nothing in this world is so powerful as an idea whose time has come. Victor Hugo
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. Georges Clemenceau
The leopard cannot change its spots.
With all due respect, you may be stupid, but I am more stupid.
Things always look better when you can't see them. Craig Bruce
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal
It takes a strong man to save himself, and a great man to save another.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. 
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. Charlie Brown
Counting down to the 2000 Sydney Olympics and there's just 1197 days to go.
Beware the Ides of March.
One man's warrior is another man's lunch. Ancient Maori proverb.
You can be in my dream if I can be in yours.
Try the Zap Mat fat battler in your own home, for only $700.00 plus GST.
Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in.
The views expressed in these aphorisms may not be the views of the programmers.
Who added Jesus Mouse to the customer file?
Make it legal, but only for groups of three.
You can't have everything...where would you put it? Groucho Marx
The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.
No tickety wickety.
An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise. Victor Hugo, Ninetythree, 1874
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. Goethe
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. Indira Gandhi
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Country enterprises: pleasure and profit from home produce.
Kim's Krapfest. Each morning during the week.
Support global warming, ban population control.
The cistern is tidy: the fountain is a mess.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favourite neurosis.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. Joe Ancis
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
Timothy Leary is dead.
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
My friend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, The whole time Groucho Marx
Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?
Really? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!
Don't rely on lies.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Look after your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
Put your trust in God, but keep your powder dry.
Conserve wildlife. Pickle a squirrel today.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: they will be filled in.
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few. Pythagoras (BC 582-507)
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Bert Cladbong is wearing Ronald Reagan's hair.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
That would really set the cat among the pigeons.
Love is a hole in the heart.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance (present company excepted).
She doesn't even have 20/20 hindsight.
It is better to have locked and lost than never to have locked at all.
When you get what you wanted, you don't want it any more.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
You get that on the big jobs.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Thursday night - Church Potluck Supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
What is the point of making people laugh when you can make them cry?
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. H. L. Mencken 
If I'd just had a pep-talk, I wouldn't be smiling, would I?
If you want the price advantage of dealing direct with the crook...
Who's got the hat?
This aphorism intentionally not included.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Joe Louis
The engineer's first problem in any design situation is to discover what the problem really is. Anon.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Don't eat my children. Moo.
They shall grow not old as we that are left grow old.
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. Thomas Alva Edison
You're from L.A. Imagine living so close to all those shoes.
Aho Weinberger Kernighan.
When the rubber hits the road, the shit hits the fan.
A weakness which cannot be expressed in an aphorism should not be mentioned.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you'll die today.James Dean
Come fly the Friendly Skies.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. Ashleigh Brilliant
It's worse luck not to be superstitious.
How does Gladys Knight find out what time it is?
If this is your first visit to Yugoslavia, you are welcome to it.
You can't tell till you've found out.
The problem with unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
What is the point of re-inventing the wheel when it is just going to fall off?
Have you ever tried pushing a marshmallow into a money box?
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. Oscar Wilde
Born and bred in the standpack file, Brer Fox!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
They're all out and the last one's a duck.
Seems to be is more important than is.
There's no fool like an old fool.
The Universe is hard to comprehend because there's nothing to compare it with.
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realisation that it's time to get up.
I talk to God through Slimy Benny.
When does summer come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, it was a Tuesday.
Everything counts in large amounts.
On six joints a day, not a lot.
The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything. Theodore Roosevelt
I had a couple of fluttering comments.
Do you know where you're going to?
Up is up, yours is yours.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gaultier
Get a life. When you've done that, get an afterlife.
Push to test. <click> Release to detonate. from Bruce Graham
If you think you know what's going on here, you don't understand a thing.
Wit of any form is an achievement in itself.
What is that thing called Love?
She was a girl from Birmingham.
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
You don't remember me, do you?
No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.
So clever it doesn't even work.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Formula for living: morning get up, night go to bed, between occupy yourself.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Anon.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Be creative instantly.
They sicken of the calm that know the storm.
If you catch someone on home video selling soap, call us on 0800 AMWAY1.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
Everyone is dragged on by their favourite pleasure.
Stop me and buy one.
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson
What are you, some sort of hydroid polyp?
May all the music you like become popular.
Who's on first?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. Doug Larson
Let's take the shortcut, they can't see us from there.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great. Golda Meir
Good, clean fun is still fun the next day.
Kim Hill. Commercial radio's most loved person. They flee her in droves.
If there's a smile on my face, it's only there trying to fool the public.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
How do you know if your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
For the snark was a boojum, you see.
Life is like spaghetti, too many loose ends.
Bunnies are hovering.
Anyone who isn't confused doesn't really understand the situation.
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
I think that you have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
Oh Ruby! please take your love to town.
Happiness may well consist primarily of an attitude toward time.
Free parking - only $100.
It had more versions than a maori place name.
A chimp needs a chump.
Consultant: A rat swimming towards a sinking ship.
Those who are absend are always wrong. English Proverb
My name's Virginia. You can call me Virgin for short, but not for long.
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Albert Einstein
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.Ren? Descartes 1596-1650
Welcome to The Land Of The Long White Latte.
What I tell you three times is true.
When you have eliminated the impossible, that which remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
If the B mt put : If the B . putting :
To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.
Life well spent is long.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. Clarke's First Law
Wine is bottled poetry. Robert Louis Stevenson
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan
Heaven never helps the man who will not act. Sophocles
The leopard does not wish to change its spots.
Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni.
Doubt grows in knowledge.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
It's my ambition to become chief assistant to the assistant chief.
Don't believe everything you read, especially if it's on the Internet.
Please do not sit on the chair person.
It was awful, just awful.
The fact that it works is immaterial.
You are old, Father William, the young man said.
appointment by the corrupt few. George Bernard Shaw
Beauty's only skin deep, but ugly's to the bone.
We always admire the other person more after we've tried to do his job. William Feather
Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
Who's a right steamer then?
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
Do not drink coffee early in the morning. It keeps you awake until noon.
Please ignore previous aphorism.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Samuel Johnson
Don't stand so close to me.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
You need more sleep.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Dance to the music of oily Jim and the defectors.
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
The condition upon which God has given liberty to man is eternal vigilance. John Philpot Curran, in a speech July 10, 1790
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
Any colour so long as it's black.
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
Any way the wind blows.
Someday is not a day of the week. Anon.
Preserve wildlife - Pickle a squirrel
Sapos yu no wantem pikinini, be yu no mekem pikinini.
Notice how the newspapers don't refer to `gay plague' any longer?
Better three bullets in the buttocks than one in the head.
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
She sows hurry and reaps indigestion.
What is your favourite humming sound?
So far as modern science is concerned, we have to abandon completely the idea that by going into the realm of the small we shall reach the ultimate foundations of the universe. I believe we can abandon this idea without any regret. The universe is infinite in all directions, not only above us in the large but also below us in the small. Emil Wiechert 
Have several nice days.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Sam Brown,Washington Post, 1977
Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. Ken Hakuta
All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Follow your bliss.
What becomes of the broken-trousered?
No grand idea was ever born in a conference; many foolish ones have died there.
For economists, the real world is often a special case. Anon.
She slept under the bed because she was a little potty.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion.
That was very interesting. Now go away.
Some people would consider themselves lucky to be in hospital.
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say `think think click click'
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
Go ahead, punk! Make my day!
Cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. O.K. to fake it?
Acdcients will happpen.
Nothing can change my traditional right to be stupid.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Swami X
In the words of the immortal bard,
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein
Is it possible to be politically correct if you are white and male?
We can supply for our needs, but not for our wants.
If you believe everything you read, better not read. Japanese proverb
Dip her in the river who loves water.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Whether you're rich or whether you're poor, it's better to be rich.
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money. Construction Digest
Mi sori, emi no stap: emi jas go aot naoia.
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
On your marks, get set, are you ready? Let's go!
OK, so you've got a Ph.D. Now, don't touch anything. Anon.
ERROR *E*E*E* Dynamic free variable used *E*E*E*
Success folows doing what you want to do. There is no other way to be successfull. Malcolm Forbes
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I am listening to wet 93FM because I am a pratt.
A critic is a legless man who teaches running. Anon.
Suppose there was a brand new global war.
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. Katharine Whitehorn
For safety, Air NZ 737s are replaced by some from Polynesian and Air Nauru.
Cyanobacteria were once the dominant life form on Earth - oxygen was their toxic waste product.from Anthony E Smart
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Beware geeks bearing gifts.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
ADD 1 TO FROM-DATE-INPUT GIVING TO-DATE-INPUT.
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Never call people fools. Borrow from them.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of 1000 Caramels.
My skin's leaking.
It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Some trust in chariots.
She that is down need fear no fall.
Gordons gin. As drunk to excess by 9 out of 10 television evangelists.
Nothing endures but change. Heraclitus
Why doesn't DOS say EXCELLENT Command or Filename?
In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything. Jeffery F. Chamberlain
Recursion: see Recursion
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco between.
Is there life before death? Belfast Graffito
Don't you wonder sometimes about sound and vision?
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.Greek saying
Customers make paydays possible.
You are the winner at Tourist Scalp Motors.
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
Graduate life - it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Will Rogers never met Xxxx Xxxxxxx.
You know when the Maths Mafia have you: they make an offer you can't understand.
I shop, therefore I am.
Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results. Willie Nelson
As the plow follows words, so God rewards prayers.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. Michel de Montaigne
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
The difference is clear.
April is the cruellest month.
Remember our motto: The more you drink, the better we sound.
Confucius he say too ruddy much.
Vivu la verda stelo!
Laugh? I thought I'd never start!
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. Ogden Nash
I always try to do things in chronological order.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Elevators smell different to midgets.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Death is the only grammatically correct full stop.
In an organisation, each person rises to the level of her own incompetency.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.H. L. Mencken
When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.
Genius is only greater aptitude for patience.
Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan
I belong to no organised party. I am a Democrat.
Nice try but no conversion.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. George Jean Nathan
The greatest danger of bombs is in the explosion of stupidity that they provoke.
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Whitcoulls.
>From hell, Hull and Halifax, good Lord deliver us.
Disc space - the final frontier!
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
My cup runneth over, and spilleth on my trousers.
Excellent work.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
Bert Cladbong's real name is Paul Holmes.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
It's very good news for the whole of Australasia.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Set a thief to catch a thief.
Long God yumi stanap.
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. H. L. Mencken
We guarantee you won't hear the same record twice between 9 and 9:05.
When you drink from the stream, remember the horse.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Make haste slowly.
You can't have your goat and eat it. - Ayatollah Khomeini.
The eyes of fire, the nostrils of air, the mouth of water, the beard of earth.
Do you mean Churchill or Peters?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
For information on caller display, call 0800 BIGBRO during working hours.
What is 14th May 1870 always remembered for in New Zealand?
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
Why is it called a word processor? Well, what does a food processor do to food?
When you drink from the stream, remember the spring.
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. Blaise Pascal
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The best defence against logic is ignorance.
Take each day 64 bits at a time.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire
He was a true (non poofter) Hero.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I talk to the trees but they don't listen to me.
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere. Agnes Repplier
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The first rule is, there are no rules!
What sort of array is this then?
I'd love to go out with you but I have some really hard words to look up.
I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down...I just have to fill in the rest. Groucho Marx
How bizarre. How bizarre. How bizarre.
What we really need is someone who's 31.8% female.
Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
Why don't we all go down to Roosters for a Birthday celebration, but not invite
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. Henry Ford
An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.Alfred A. Knopf
I do now, you smooth talking bastard.
TVNZ, where we cram 20 minutes of news into a one hour news broadcast.
Less people have been up the Eiffel Tower.
Shirts and shoes are required. Bras and panties are optional.
What on earth is an ear fear?
Masochist: Hit me! Sadist: No!
The best exercise for the butt is to bend over for somebody else.
Dick Van Dyke: a bit of a contradiction in terms!
I'll see your Possum Jim, and raise you two Flaky Helen's.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Nothing happens unless first a dream. Carl Sandburg
We take customer satisfaction personally.
Prepositions are very bad things to end sentences with.
She knows there's no success like failure and that failure is no success at all.
I feel a brand new whinge coming on, yeah yeah yeah! Oh shit.
Always we like those who admire us, but we do not always like those whom we admire. Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Siamese twin kills sister in bungled suicide attempt.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Twenty-nine year old grandmother calls for better sex education in schools.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Bunny bunny, bunny bunny, whoops bunny, whoops bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Windows: The only 8MB virus
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. Harry S Truman
Arabs buying up my home town and you still complain about the weather.
Let mercy triumph over judgement.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
I'd love to go out with you but I never go out on days that end in `Y'.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
If money could talk, it would say "Goodbye!"
Why be a man when you can be a success? Bertold Brecht
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw
You can't stop birds of sadness flying but can stop them nesting in your hair.
Cool bananas, daddy-o!
Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold.
Live long and prosper.
In between lies art. John A. Locke
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
What can ail thee poofter at arms, Alone and palely blighted.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
I don't know how to love him.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. Fran Lebowitz
I don't want yes men : please tell the truth even if it costs you your job.
New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be.
Far away is close at hand in the images of elsewhere.
It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed. Vladimir Lenin
God bless you Auntie Rower.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Birds fly over the rainbow, why can't I?
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider wisdom.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy
The revolution will not be televised.
Maet long tede naet yumitufala i save mekem wan bodi.
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it. Anon.
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. Seneca
It is not considered professional to burst into tears!
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
Old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Love comes in spurts.
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. Simon Cameron
The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble.
I'd like to assure you that in my time I have had plenty of experience.
I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Folly is the cloak of Knavery. Shame is Pride's Cloak.
Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato.
When thou seest an Eagle, thou seest a portion of Genius; lift up thy head!
Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?
Continental people have sex-lives; the English have hot-water bottles.George Mikes
Never look back. Someone might be gaining.
Ranked in order, the 3 types of intelligence are: Human, Animal and Military.
If you throw a rooster into a pen full of chickens it will shag itself to death!
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.
9W (The answer to `Mr Wagner, does your name start with a V ?')
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will do it.
All generalisations are false.
We were freezing during the power cut until the backup generator caught fire.
Any way the whinge blows.
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Auckland.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying.
The great tragedy of Science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. Thomas Henry Huxley
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. Albert Einstein 
Dear Lord, give me patience...and give it to me now!
A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money. Everett Dirksen
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. Montaigne
I don't care who you are, you're not dragging that cross through my back garden.
What is now proved was once only imagined.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in NYC, still waiting for a dial tone.
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. James F. Byrnes
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. Alfred North Whitehead
I don't believe any of this stuff either.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. Stewart's Law of Retroaction, Murphy's Law, Book Two
Nothing is impossible for the woman who doesn't have to do it herself.
And the Invisible Man replied `I don't know who it was but it didn't half hurt!'
The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France.
Paul Reeves? Oh, yes, I remember when he was a Pakeha.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Christ: A man who died at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
I'm not deaf, but sometimes I don't hear things.
Unfair: tsetse fly, booby, sapsucker. bullhead, duck-billed platypus, Clarence
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
British Railways Locomotives and Other Motive Power (Combined Volume)
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein 1879-1955
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Is Karl Marx's grave just another communist plot?
A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.
I have met the Great Pretender, and she is not what she seems.
Took the Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
Solly Rosenbaum Superstar.
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
Killing me softly with his schlong.
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
Pretentious, moi?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of PI change.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
A sharpened stick does not a warrior make.
Let us live! Let us love! Let us share the secrets of our souls! You first.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Life is a bowl of cherries and birthdays are the pits.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
What we have here is failure to communicate.
Nobody ever says "it's only a game" when their team is winning.
If you don't like it here, then why don't you go home.
We will endeavour to ensure it tastes particularly yummy.
The list MP from Hell.
Arts, Books and Sports bore me.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
=/:-)=    Abe Lincoln
My trousers are full of love.
Auckland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit.
Add man to woman, divide legs, multiply.
My cup runneth over.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if lightly greased.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Victor Borge
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
Just a little prick with a needle.
In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.Thomas Pickering
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
I can't see the point of playing bridge if you're not inebriated!
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. Ross MacDonald 1915-1983
She was about as much use as a screen door on a submarine.
To make sense of this aphorism, just change one pig.
Always do one thing less than you think you can do.
Freemasonry says more about you than American Express ever could.
ABCD goldfish MNO goldfish SDR goldfish RDL goldfish
Have whinge, will travel.
Never eat more than you can lift.
May you live in interesting times.
You're never too old to become younger.
The elephant changes its mind as often as oily Jim makes sense.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
In a world without fences who needs Gates?
She is a stranger in her own home town.
What is the point of building a urinal without an arsenal to go with it?
Today is a good day to die.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
No one is as fascinating as they think
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
Dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dee,
It wasn't me that started this old, crazy, Asian war.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
I'll starve if I don't have a ginger nut.
Where is Uncle Rower?
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Well, you're just puckered at both ends.
She told me to stand here.
To philosophize is to doubt. Montaigne
Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.
Scrunglebuggly. Woppledop. Googly-monster. Nodel. Not reserved words - yet!
The most sublime act is to set another before you.
No story, straight to bed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country. Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when? Rabbi Hillel, 12th Century
I'd love to go out with you but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Her reaction was unexpected, though not as we had expected it to be unexpected.
I'm tired of playing cattle-oppressors and native Americans.
Pax vobiscum.
There is a green hill far away.
When in doubt, use brute force.
All wholesome food is caught without a net or a trap.
Computers can work faster than humans because they don't have to answer phones.
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde
I'm taking Lindsay with me to Wellington!
I'd be a right bananer if it wasn't for my farner.
Seli Hoo!
Punctures from only $10
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
You're at the end of the road again.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to check expiry dates on dairy products.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
Truth is a pointed stick.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut
Don't stick stickers on my paper knickers.
If the lioness were advised by the vixen, she would be cunning.
French key, French key, French key (6, 4)
I could prove God statistically. George Gallup
I'd love to go out with you but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Ogden Nash
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees! Emiliano Zapata
God is not all powerful, for He cannot make a rock He cannot lift.
Do you remember the year when citrus colours were in fashion?
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. Oscar Wilde
imagine that they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. Franz Schubert
Guns don't kill people : Kim Hill kills people.
She's just a politician trying to save both her faces.
I don't have to work tonight. There's no ships in the port.
You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. Abraham Lincoln
Michael Knight, a lone crusader in a dangerous world.
I have a cunning plan!
Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press.
Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.
What's the point of going out?
We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
All Blacks' focus on rugby only.
The fox provides for himself, but gran provides for the lion.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Salvor Hardin
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. Hector Berlioz
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Chinese Proverb
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.Yoda,The Empire Strikes Back
Democracy: The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. George Bernard Shaw
Diplomacy is the art of saying: Nice Doggie! till you can find a rock. Wynn Catlin
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
A day without sunshine is like, night
The devil made me do it the first time. After that, I did it all by myself.
You speak Menglish like a native.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
C combines the flexibility of assembler with the power of assembler.
If decryption was more difficult, SHLiOBudooUKQmtsMeeActVYtk85n7ltlqn9ZVwQOXd5nB
Sociology is the study of us and Anthropology is the study of them.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. Albert Camus
Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.
There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous. Brett Butler's unnamed friend
If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable. Seneca (the Younger)
A man seldom makes a mistake twice. Generally it's three times or more. 
What a fine fissure I am to be sure, but am I a fissure of men?
What she lacked in intelligence she made up for in stupidity.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There are two ways to dislike poetry: dislike poetry or read Pope.
The only reward for love is the experience of loving. John LeCarre, The Secret Pilgrim
This is my happening baby, and it freaks me out! Austin Powers
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. Napoleon I
Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. Albert Einstein
As Zeus said to Narcissus, `Watch yourself.'
Just say gnome.
Careless talk costs lives.
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.Doug Larson
Language is not only the vehicle of thought, it is a great and efficient instrument in thinking. Humphrey Davy
Disk full - Press F1 to belch
Every solution breeds new problems.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? Clarence Darrow
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
Joys impregnate. Sorrows bring forth.
Treacle Sticks. Love Furts.
It's getting bigger as we talk.
I am sure you will agree that this is not good enough.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the one for which you can get an extension.
Help I'm modeming.. and I can't hang up!
He that has one eye is a prince among those that have none. Thomas Fuller
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Is the Pope Polish?
It's not because they're dykes, I just don't think the Topp Twins are funny.
What is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
I don't measure a man's success by how high he climps but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. General Patton
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
Expert: knows bad mistakes that can be made in the subject and avoids them.
Alas, I am dying, as I have lived. beyond my means.
When in doubt, do what the President does - guess.
An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.Benjamin Stolberg
She was about as much use as Quasimodo's duffle bag.
I have no baby on board but please don't crash into me anyway.
The most common element in the universe is stupidity.
Socrates assures us that hemlock is not addictive.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
The past looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
She never alters her opinions as standing water breeds reptiles of the mind.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Edison
Keep your nose between the ditches and Smokey out of your breeches.
Sic freat crustulum.
A woman who makes a big splash may be a man who has gone overboard.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out of it alive.
Don't bargain for fish that are still in the water.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
Podiacide: to shoot oneself in the foot.
Bad artists copy. Great artists steal. Picasso from Alice Camina
UWKNAW.DAT!
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Don't give me no jive, I've got enough trouble just staying alive.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. Albert Einstein 1879-1955
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The rich are not like us. No, they have more money.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
Give a little whistle.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go skiing.
God is alive and selling bibles in the southern states of America.
Is Auntie Rower the Mare of Auckland?
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Is this person an owner-operator?
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
I'm not that interested in Business and International Affairs.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Let your trousers do the walking.
Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not. Virgil Thomson Advice given at age 93
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while naturecures the disease. Voltaire
Slimy Benny and MMP.  Life is so full.
Better to live one day as a tiger than a thousand years as a sheep.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
If God had intended us to watch TV, He would have given us rabbit ears.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
Your vision of yourself is a media myth.
We apologise for the late arrival of this month's magazine.
When planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
Men who never get carried away should be.
Freudian slip: Instead of pass the salt I said Dad, you ruined my life you basta
Scary, eh?
We came, we saw, we left.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the right to do the same.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
No dwarves need apply.
People who enjoy quiz shows are easily impressed by their own ignorance.
Subtract : Divide : Add : Multiply
The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. Anonymous
You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
There is only one alley in Birmingham, and that is Needless.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
Once you've accumulated sufficient knowledge to get by, you're too old to remember it. Anon.
All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them. Holt's Law
Remember, the labrador is NOT called Goldie.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown the door.
That's not a thimble. It's armour, a Turkish nipple protector!
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. Samuel Butler
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
I forgot to support Alzheimer's day.
What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.
I'm carrying a bomb for big Mo.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
Don't worry about feeling so wretched. At least you're not pregnant.
If you are going to call your kid Fergus, you might just as well call him Fungus
And a money-back guarantee (with proof of purchase).
Four out of five linguists couldn't tell talk from mutter.
Is organised religion a crime?
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Anon.
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, bird fly high by the light of the moon.
The will to do, the soul to dare. Sir Walter Scott
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Don't bother.
I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
Cwm fjord bank glyphs vext quiz.
Real Programmers don't use debug. Now, how do you use debug again?
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Beta: Greek for 'still doesn't work'
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
Act quickly, think slowly. Greek Proverb
I did look, I'm not blond.
Is he a techo or a beanie?
When they heard you were coming, they all hid.
The quality of an organization can never exceed the quality of the minds that make it up. Harold R. McAlindon
Nobody likes playing against the wind.
It is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Socialist Realism is the Art of the State.
The Ayatollah Khomeini is a Shi'ite.
How I lived for 28 years carrying my sense of humour around in my handbag.
Being black feels good, and playing golf is the next step up.
The room seemed emptier whenever she entered it.
I wouldn't belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member.Groucho Marx
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. Segal's Law
Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
I met a traveller from an antique land.
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love.
Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
I've got the hat.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously.
A different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
Whatever you do, don't read this.
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
If I were you . . . who'd be me?
Oregon: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
If your plan is for a year, plant rice. If your plan is for a decade, plant trees. If your plan is for a lifetime, educate children. Confucius
And what can he do about it? Nothing.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H. L. Mencken
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
When you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
All truth passes through 3 stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer
Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Do not read this aphorism under penalty of law.
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I don't know, dear, ask your father.
He that would govern others, first should be master of himself.
Napier for the time of your life.
So I don't exist! So I count for nothing! Try saying that on the streets!
You guys are just pathetic.
In the land of the blind, the brown eyed man is King.
People who smile when things go wrong have thought of someone to blame it on.
She who has suffered you to impose on her knows you.
Every dog has his day. Every bitch has her day.
Manners: especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything
She has been taking idiot lessons from Kim Hill.
Sometimes I don't know why I get frightened.
Ain't that half the the truth!
I thought wanking was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff.
It is not compulsory to pronounce place names with a Japanese accent.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. David Letterman
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Any tool when dropped rolls into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Confucius
Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.
How can I tell you I love you when I can hardly breathe down here.
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
Memory Error - What? Tell me again.
Once: Enough.
Her lips were saying "no" but her eyes were saying "read my lips".
How do you not fall down more?
Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982?
Fry, of all the friends
I've had... you're the first.
Look what I won from a tourist's pocket.
No, that's wrong, Cartman.
But don't worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people.
You're out of your Vulcan mind, Spock!
Why do you have a self-confidence problem?
What are you, stupid?
If you're here... who's running Hell?
Citizens of Anvilania, I stand before you, because if I was behind you, you couldn't see me.
Did anyone get the number of that donkey cart?
Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. Italian Proverb
That's not even mildly amusing.
A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist. Anon.
She has a certain emetic effect.
It's not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
One man's meat is another homme's poisson.
Fear is the mother of violence.
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. Isaac Newton
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Fantastic work.
Failure is success if we learn from it.
The soul of sweet delight can never be defiled.
We sit here stranded through we're all doing our best to deny it.
You can appreciate the beauty of a tiger, even as it leaps to devour you.
Which religion is based on the divine randyness of Kings?
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom.
San Francisco: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
I'd love to go out with you but I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
Granddad, how did that man say his Granddad helped God put shells on Everest?
Deliver no evil & live on revileD.
I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a little girl waits.
Accredited specialists in deer transportation.
This is a matter for the French Government.
If you're not blond, why do you act like you are?
Yes, but is she a good ?
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
When there's something strange in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?
By the power of greyskull, I have the power!
I'll be back!
Does anybody know where the toilets are?
Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deckchair up your nose.
What'sa matter you, hey!
Gotta no respect, hey!
Club Tropicana drinks are free.
Aaaaawl righty then.
Shaken, not stirred.
Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Doh! Yabba Dabba Do!
Then from outer space a spotty man brought him to life with his cosmic dust.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. John Kenneth Galbraith
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
Bbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was a girl, I used to scream and shout.
Cave cenam.
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians. Georges Pompidou 
Filming for pleasure and profit.
When the president does it, that's means it is not illegal. Richard Nixon
Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice.
Bullshit sounds more believable with an american accent. (Evangelists guide book)
No matter what, no matter where, it's always home, if love is there. Anon.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
He who meditates is lost.
For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation occurs.
How you doin'?
Aye aye captain.
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight.
Stop trying to hit me and hit me!
Are you going to do something or just stand there and bleed?
The main problem with this office. The sleeping accommodation is third world.
Who do you have to bonk to get rid of Kim Hill.
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Into each life a little whinge must fall, but too much is falling in mine.
The thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest.
Life is a bitch - and then you turn forty!
It is better to be roughly right than precisely wrong.
You can do no great things -- only small things with great love. Mother Teresa
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make her a manager.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact he often has to eat them.
When the effective leader is finished with his work, the people say it happened naturally. Lao Tse
She's genuinely bogus.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Don't you know what good clean fun is? No, what good is it?
The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary.Vidal Sassoon
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM. Lyndon B. Johnson
Dick by name and Dick by nature.
You bubble headed booby!
Conceptual aphorism: two wiggling fingers.
No matter where you go, there you are.
If music be the food of love, why can't rabbits sing?
The Last Don II.
He hides his dimness under a bushel.
Give it everything you've got.
It is progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork.
I'm still an atheist, thank God. Luis Bunuel
If I save time, do I get it back?
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. Francis Bacon
Man is an island - Douglas Tourist Board
Once a knight, enough for anybody.
All that programmer testing bullshit.
Life is a yo-yo, and humanity ties knots in the string.
The best thing about pagan friends is, they worship the ground that you walk on.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Four legs good, two legs better.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her  ... or something like that.
I can dodge as much work as you can give me.
Kim Hill. She will discuss the issues that the others have flogged to death.
To play the trumpet badly is to do the devil's work.
If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Frederick Douglass
Mad as a snake and half as reliable.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
Tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.
It was a hard act to follow.
Doctor, doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictive pill.
Missing you already.
Knowledge is power.(Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est-latin.). Francis Bacon
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. L. Rochefoucauld
Because it rhymes with 'bank manager'.
Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. George S. Patton
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
Glaswegian wearing a tie: 'The accused'
Power to the perverts. Support same sex marriage.
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Your all zombies driving metal coffins.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Napoleon Bonaparte 1769-1821
It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.W. Somerset Maugham
In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
I thought cirrhosis was a type of cloud until I discovered Smirnoff.
If God had intended us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight. Anon. 
Join the crew.
The day is infinite for him who knows how to appreciate and use it.
Filth: `Failed in London, Try Hong Kong.'
Put your head beteen them and go blubble, blubble, blubble.
The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. Dick Cavett
I got my Dhp. in dyslexia.
Substance abuse ranges from injection of drugs to throwing of cream buns.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Quis custodiet custodies? Ipsus!
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than itceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw
Quick! Put it back into SCCS before she overwrites it?
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.- Grace Murray
It's a bloody good idea, sir!
The more often I have a good attitude, the more often I get shafted.
She knows nothing but thinks she knows everything. We suggest political career.
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
Sipping whisky from a paper cup, you drown your sorrows till you can't stand up.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
What we love to do we find time to do.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
It gives light, a wicked thing (6)
Live every day as if it were your last. One day you'll be right.
Kim Hill. Yesterday's Holmes people without the vibrant personality.
Why is it windy in Wellington? Because Auckland sucks.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club.
Welcome to Manny Rower's New Zealand.
That which does not kill me makes me stronger. Friedrich Wilheim Nietzsche
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. Lord Chesterfield
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Alan Kay
A moment's thought can save a hat full of soap.
Runs like a dog and barks like a cat.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
We can swing together.
Am I right?
See you round like a rissole.
Is a lady barrister without her briefs a solicitor?
If the ugly pills don't work, try prayer.
One's action ought to come from achieved stillness; not to be mere rushing on.
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism isunreadable and literature is not read. Oscar Wilde
DEFGHIJKLMNO (5, 5)
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
We always love those who admire us, but we do not always love those whom we admire. Anon.
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
Immortality - a fate worse than death.
When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
What good is someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in His footsteps?
Men need some kind of external activity, because they are inactive within. Arthur Schopenhauer
I think; therefore I am. Rene Descartes
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much, much better. Laurie Anderson
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full.
Ich weiss nicht, was es bedeuten soll.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
The higher the monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
If you wish to teach people the value of money, borrow from them.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to talk to my plants.
You can fool all of the people some of the time.
Lipstick on your chopper told a tale on you.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Marrying a woman is a mystery. Marrying two at once is a bigger mystery.
There are two ways to be rich --, make more or need less. Kimo's Rules
I really think she ought to marry him.
Welcome to Eriiic the Aviiion!
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Wow Dad, you took a Baptism for me.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
I can't give a pep talk, because only a few people will witness the humiliation.
Of course, in this business anything's possible.
Who stole the cork out of my lunch?
I've got the brain, you've got the looks - let's make lots of money!
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
you are, you are essential to my happiness'. Nathaniel Branden
Necessity is a mother.
One swallow doesn't make a summer.
The ornaments of our house are the friends that frequent it.
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
That's very generous of you.
My dad says all coppers are constables.
They screw this up every night in St Louis.
Only 32000 of us left and we have eaten all the moas. How about a treaty?
This program will run and run.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Olin Miller
Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
A man who has been bitten by a snake is afraid of a rope.
Blad hemi stamba blong laef: Givim blad, sevem laef!
Why was this leaked to the press without consulting me first?
Life is God's way of preserving meat. from Fred Reichart
You're not a very nice person, are you?
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply
The fat lady can't sing.
Anne Zac has nothing at all to do with ANZAC day.
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
Most things get steadily worse.
The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.
Every woman deserves a middle husband that she can forget.
And where does the number you first thought of fit into the scheme of things?
Get off my back, and come to that, how did I get to this side of the road?
I don't want the savings.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions.
Paul 'never mind the quality feel the width' Holmes. A pratts pratt.
The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. Josh Billings
UNIX is the operating system of the future, and it always will be.
Close enough for jazz.
Clah-boo-doo!
Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like.
Two furgles make a hump.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If brains were gunpowder, she wouldn't have enough to blow her hat off.
He had an abundance of don't-testosterone.
Hell, no, if I'd wanted that I'd have ordered it.
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.Stanislaw Lec
It's a grave situation when this pumping station goes on strike. (5)
Tea bar: place where one may purchase tea.
The superfluous is very necessary.
Don't think twice, it's alright.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. Galileo Galilei
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
Earth is full. Go home.
He that has no children brings then up well. Proverb
No bird soars too high, if she soars with her own wings.
Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, because they understand everything too soon. Alexander Pope
Five components for an ideal vacation: sun, sea, sand and surf.
Tankyu tumas blong givhan blong yu.
A good listener with a butt is the surest way to a brighter tomorrow.
Use soft words and hard arguments. Anon.
Wasting your time is what Kim Hill is all about.
How can I draw this?
They drive romantically in Ghana.
I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".
The bravest animals in the land are Captain Beaky and his band.
It is an equal failing to trust everybody and to trust nobody.
The bland leadeth the bland and both shall fall into the kitsch.
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce
Tact: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.
Don't get bogged down.
Things will be bright this afternoon. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Default page width is 80 characters, or 132 characters if 80 is not wide enough.
Sippers Digest Condensed soup? Everything useful has been removed.
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
Thank you for calling. Call again.
Beati mundo corde.
Are you a coat hanger?
It is not of importance where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. Anon.
When the wagon of fortune goes well, spite and envy hang on the wheels.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and swap pieces of cardboard.
When I say I don't sleep with married men, I mean happily married men.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
This is a matter for the Nigerian Government.
Don't count your chickens before they cross the road.from Larry Burgess
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed. Carl G. Jung
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Bob Wells
At least it's a lovely day outside!
Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
Rain will make the flowers grow.
Sweater: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Your conscience never stops you doing anything. It just stops you enjoying it.
I don't want any "yes-men" around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Samuel Goldwyn
Put your nose to the Grindstone!
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
Data is not information, Information is not knowledge, Knowledge is not understanding, Understanding is not wisdom. Cliff Stoll & Gary Schubert
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. Abba Eban
As Irish as a bomb on a bus.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Whether you can hear it or not the Universe is laughing behind your back.
Wanted:  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is sometimes.
When I am prime minister no one will make a profit.
May you be a sphincter all your life! And your children too!
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?
Loose as a goose!
Even the darkest hour has fourteen minutes of commercials.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to whinge we go.
The price for independance is often isolation and solitude. Steve Schmidt
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to drink.
Bish, bosh, get some dosh! Bish, bash, get some cash! W, X!
Have a very happy holiday.
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
Reason is a tool. Try to remember where you left it.
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Aphorism: short pithy maxim
It is easier to suppress the first desire than to satisfy all that follow it. Ben Franklin 
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
A million here, a million there, next thing you know it's big money.
Food for thought.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
There are few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
Don't be happy. Worry.
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
In youth we learn; in age we understand.
Do it once, do it right, do it with pride.
Great moments in science: Einstein discovers time is actually money.
An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be less tedious.
She: All flesh is grass. He: Moo.
Never draw what you can copy.
It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. Jerome K. Jerome
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
My heroes have always been poofters: Theme of the march of the poofter boys.
Losing your drivers' licence is just God's way of saying `BOOGA, BOOGA!'
I'd love to go out with you but I need to spend more time with my blender.
The impossible we do at once, miracles take a little longer.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. Mike Adams
Welcome to The Pleasure Dome.
As the air to a bird or the sea to a fish, so is contempt to the contemptible.
That wasn't me, but I would have loved to have done it.
All things must pass.
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. Norman Brenner
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Slow and steady wins the race.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell
One reason people stop learning is they become less willing to risk failure.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
Go walking mindlessly forward, never mind what's going on.
Don't forget the diver.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Government to ease Homosexual Bill's passage.
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
There is no point being so open minded that your brains fall out.
If we judge of love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship. La Rochefoucauld
I've lost my monger.
To be out once or twice. (6, 3, 6)
Ah, the insight of hindsight.
A piece of cake.
A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong. Thomas Szasz
All the better for seeing your bright, smiling face.
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. David Tyson Gentry
One of the best things about Napier is `Big Fresh'.
Never say no.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
Man invented language to satisfy the deep need to complain.
Ass: The masculine of `lass'.
When the cat's away, the mouse will play.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
I am odd enough to be my own mother.
All laws are basically false.
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
Luck is my middle name.
Mind you, my first name is Bad.
Go on, prove me wrong.
Destroy the fabric of the universe.
See if I care.
People who can keep their heads while everyone else around them is losing theirs, probably aren't grasping the situation. Anon.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde
What's love got to do with it?
Isaac Asimov is a veritable Barbara Cartland.
No good deed goes unpunished.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Cocaine - the thinking man's Dristan.
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
Remember, you heard it first on moaner news.
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, large breasts.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950
Some day, my prince will come, she said, stirring the soup with her other hand.
Why are the no issues in the morning?
During my life I have worried about many things, most of which never happened.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Plato
Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
Size: at the end of the day, it's not really up there with the big issues.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry 1885-1957
Don't turn your back on Jesus.
I'm sorry the spec isn't more detailed, but I've given up smoking.
What would you do if this was a power cu.............
Everything you can imagine is real. Picasso
Time may or may not be a great healer, but it's sure one terrible beautician.
I like my coffee like I like my women - wet and white.
Them that has, gets.
Truth is an arrow.
The vixen condemns the trap, not herself.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
I'll be thinking of you when I am at the funeral.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. John F. Kennedy
It means it's flying sideways.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Edison 
She lies like a list MP.
I am not a mercenary for the Evangelical Movement.
Don't try to sed before you can awk.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Caskie Stinnett
Show me a good loser and I'll show you someone playing golf with the boss.
No good deed goes unpunished. Clare Boothe Luce
Fashion is ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
The Pope headbutts the Queen.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime. Honore de Balzac
Convince a woman against her will, she's of the same opinion still.
It is impossible to design a system so perfect that no one needs to be good. T. S. Eliot
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together - and blow.
What we call human nature, is actually human habit. Jewel
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. Paul Harvey
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. H. L. Mencken 
Is that a fair comment?
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problemas a nail. Abraham Maslow
I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.Artemus Ward
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Standardised, pasteurised and homogenised.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The condemned cannibal ate a hearty warder.
Windows: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88.
There's always one more bug.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
That's so miserable and I'm really fed up. Is it possible to be happier?
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
Unity is strength.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Avoid shame but do not seek glory - nothing is so expensive as glory.
Never mind, you tried your hardest and that wasn't good enough.
The greatest invention since braille traffic lights.
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
I don't care who you are, get those reindeer and that sleigh off my roof.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
Faint heart never won fair lady. Come to think of it, it never won much at all.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero.
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. Seneca
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
Kenny Rogers, because all the others are clean-shaven.
We have become a grandmother.
Power: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
Each tablet contains 200mg of ibuprofen and a hundred bytes of filler.
A week is a long time in politics.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Although a typical gin swilling evangelist, he was shorter than average.
When justice is gone, there's always force.
Tell me - I forget : Show me - I understand : Involve me - I remember.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. Slovenian Proverb
Pick me up and curl me.
One neuron short of synapse.
Everybody's got a Humphrey fart.
Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home.
Oh, joy! Oh, rupture!
Statisticians: They are good with numbers but find accountancy too exciting.
If there is nothing to do then she will find it.
Civility costs nothing.
We too often love things and use people when we should USE things and LOVE people. Anon. 
Anybody want some pushcorn? There's stacks of it.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
If Jesus died for my sins then I had better make it worth his while.
Diplomacy is the art of saying `nice doggy' until you can find a rock.
Better late than never, but better never late.
There's no future in time travel.
I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampire from your door.
She looked at me as if I were a side dish she hadn't ordered.
Doctus in se semper divitias habet.
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. Arthur C. Clarke
Under-achieving For Pleasure And Profit.
Don't let the best you have done so far be a standard for the rest of your life.
No Man is fit to command another that cannot command himself -William Penn
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. Blore's Razor
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. Katherine Hepburn
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clapas they go by. Will Rogers
My dad says they don't work.
Patriotism: sense of responsibility. Nationalism: cock crowing on its own dung.
Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight.
I'm a hard, unfeeling bitch.
Famous last words:
Love is a two way dream.
I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
I have a fetish for newsstands.
When a husband acts like a child he forces his wife to act like his mother. Promise Keepers
Civitatis fortuna cives.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
I'd love to turn you on.
After attempt on John Major, 50 million people help police with their enquiries.
Nothing is more useful than silence. Menander
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap? The rest of you, rattle your jewelry.
It's a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. Winston Churchill
Legal, decent, honest, truthful.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
What's the difference between a cockroach and an evangelical?
Look at me. Worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
A friend thinks of you when all others are thinking of themselves.
It's not what a kid knows that bothers his parents -- it's how he found it out.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson
Taking it to the world.
The file which I have accidentally deleted was due for archival sometime anyway.
You can't sink a rainbow.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
Don't cook tonight - starve a rat today!
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
And a blackcurrant juice for Ian please!
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
In an ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
One should never generalize.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Better keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid then open it and remove any doubt. Rami Belson
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? Barbra Streisand
Margaret Shepherd's calligraphy projects for pleasure and profit.
The hours of folly are fed by the cat but of wisdom no cat can fathom.
One change leaves the way open for the introduction of others.
I don't know the joke, but I'm sure it's funny.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
Soothing massage - call 845 0445
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
I feel like death and I won't even get any thanks for coming in tonight.
Why didn't those bastards eight thousand years ago make the year field 9(5) ?
Aucklanders are people too. Yeah right.
The lunatics have taken over the asylum.
Of COURSE he wants another beer!
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
I'm sorry, I don't have any figures to back up that claim.
If others had not been foolish, we should be so.
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. Aristotle
Antap, ananit, hemi semak nomo.
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
The good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
I'd love to go out with you but I'm having all my plants neutered.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How much do I owe you?
Wit: Salt with which American Humourist spoils his cookery...by leaving it out.
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. Edward P. Tryon
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. Alvin Toffler
Brazil: Where the nuts come from.
Terrific work.
Millihelen: Beauty required to launch just one ship.
She called the child Fergus, that's fungus without the "erg".
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again. Burt Simpson
he knows. Laurence Lee
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Orchestra really is an anagram of carthorse.
Death is conquered though you slumber : seven is the perfect number.
This was a result of our company being placed under psychic attack.
She was about as much use as a core dump.
One should dies proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. Friedrich Nietzsche
This decision will harm Australia's cultural identity.
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him. Swift
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them. Alfred Hitchcock 
Be different: conform.
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. Oliver Herford
Coffee before sex: a philosophy of life favoured by lexicographers.
Roll up, roll up. Get your tickets here!
To make eggnog, you need rum, whisky, wine, gin and, if they're in season, eggs.
New lamps for old!
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that noone has asked them. Leo Tolstoy
Of course I want it today! If I wanted it tomorrow, I'd ask for it tomorrow!
Boiled crap tastes just as sweet.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
She fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of herself.
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
It's a cross between an albatross and a wheelchair.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. Ashleigh Brilliant 
Missing you already. NOT!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
The man was either mad, or both.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Real Time: Here and now, opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Is the Pope Irish?
Snoodle doodle doodle!
It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
Dodo: a dead flightless bird. Bimbo: a brain dead flighty bird.
How? Fried.
Because Y's a crooked letter.
I'd love to go out with you but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
Auckland: The mating ground of the list MP.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.Jonathan Swift
I can explain it to them, but I can't understand it for them. Dan Rather
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uh...
A classic is something that we all want to have read and nobody wants to read.
Caveat emptor.
A city is a large community where people are lonely together.
It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. Walter Bagehot, Biographical Studies 1863
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
The only rose without thorns is Gladys Poon's sister.
Dear Chickie....
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom, Please feel free to upchuck.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Bachelors know more about women than married men do. If they didn't, they'd be married too. H. L. Mencken
You must come up and see my head sometime.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. Elvis Presley 1935-1977
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Excuse me for butting in but I'm interrupt driven.
Quid pro quo.
May all your troubles be little ones.
Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They just can't buzz any slower.Kin Hubbard
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.Benjamin Disraeli
Can you tell me where we're headin'? Lincoln County Road or Armageddon?
Ten years ago a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
She who shouts the loudest has the floor.
Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. W. Somerset Maugham, "A Writer's Notebook" 1949
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. Moses Hadas
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Malform follows malfunction.from R. Lee Duvlea
You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or they die.
Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Oh, I feel so deliciously white trash.
Mummy, I want a mullet!
Please, I could have eaten a box of alphabets and crapped a better interview.
I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
In fact, I've got a real funny story about that.
Actually, it's not so much funny as it is long.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have her head examined.
You never disclose your own character so clearly as when you describe another's.
How does my having a vasectomy stop my bint becoming pregnant?
It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
Evri samting yu wantem save long Bislama be yu fraet tumas blong askem.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Tom Clancy
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Old giraffes cast long shadows.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Turpil.
The first fart is the smelliest.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
For best results, use Taiyo Yuden or Verbatim media.
I am not a pheasant plucker but a pheasant plucker's mate.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. Aristotle Onassis 1906-1975
If there is a God, then his quality control leaves a great deal to be desired.
No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Laurence Peter
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
The original aphorism program for adults.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
If all the economists were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
But when it comes down to fooling you, honey, that's quite a different subject.
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People
Bob Fripp!
When love is gone, there's always justice.
If the fool would persist in her folly she would become wise.
Peace: in international affairs, period of cheating between periods of fighting.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Great news Erlin. The ugly pills are working.
Tyranny is always better than organised freedom.
Rodney, you plonker!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. Mark Twain
Too much month left at the end of the money.
Help! Help! A heffalump, a horrible heffalump.
Let She who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
A handful of friends costs more than a wagon of gold.
Aunty Rower, two heads?
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Very good work, well done.
You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
If he is tame I'd hate to see a wild one.
Your red scarf matches your eyes.
A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.Vilhjalmur Stefansson
Could this program BE any better?
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Oompa Loompa doompadee doo.
Luke, I am your father.
If a listener nods her head when you're explaining your program, wake her up.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Blessed is she who expects nothing, for she shall never be disappointed.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
In the old days, when maoris where brown.
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. Peter McArthur
Our artillery will shake them up!
Immature love says, "I love you because I need you." Mature love says, "I need you because I love you." Erich Fromm
Two reads don't make a write.
I was nearly kept waiting.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
Any clod can have the facts, but having openings is a fart.
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than her doctor.
Mo hos we yu yusum blong kamtru.
The purpose of life is to fight maturity. Dick Werthimer
In youth we learn; in age we understand. M. Ebner-Eschenbach
Made with the aid of your broadcasting fee so you can hear more Menglish on air.
Two lovely fur seals walk into a club.
All this coffee drinking will be the urination of me.
Winning isn't everything. but losing isn't anything.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. Henry Kissinger
